2. Finding My Voice After Years of Silence, Shame, and Hiding

Andrea Matthies: 00:00:00

I'm Andrea Lee Matthies, writer, photographer,

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and Clairvoyant Medium, and this

is the Bold, Brave Woman Project.

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This podcast is a living, breathing,

unfolding of what it really

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means to step into our becoming.

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Born from the ashes of a failed YouTube

channel, this weekly podcast brings you

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real unfiltered moments of failure, of

bravery, and of deep intuitive knowing.

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so that you too can step into who you are

becoming with even more trust and bravery.

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Let's dive in.

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Hello, and welcome back to

the Bold, Brave Woman Project.

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If you are listening to this intro,

this is actually the second version

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of this episode that I've released

for this podcast, and there's a

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really, really important reason.

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Why that is.

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When this podcast first started,

which I introduced a little bit

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in the episode last week about

the failed YouTube channel,

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that failed YouTube channel was kind

of like the end of the story, and it

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was really important for me to record

that episode and release that to get

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the podcast into the airwaves, really.

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But the full story of the Bold, Brave

Woman Project actually goes way back.

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You see, two years ago, I released my very

first major podcast called Body Diaries.

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Body Diaries was this beautiful idea

that I had to create a space where women

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could come and talk about the journeys

that they've had with their bodies.

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Because as women, we don't often

talk about the hardships or the

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things that we go through and

the ideas and the relationships

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that we form with our bodies.

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And so I wanted to create this

beautiful space for women to come

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to share their real and raw stories

of what it's like for them, being in

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a body and journeying through that.

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And Body Diaries was such a passion

project and still is to this day.

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But what I realized through so

many conversations with so many

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incredible women is that we are not

always comfortable using our voices,

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or we are not always comfortable

talking vulnerably about some of

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the things that we've been through.

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Like, it is really confronting

and can trigger those states of

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shame and questioning about who we

are, that I realized just having

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the space to speak wasn't enough.

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If women don't feel confident to even

embrace their story and share it.

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Body Diaries can only go so far.

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And so about a year ago I had this

beautiful idea to create a podcast.

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At the time it was called Bold, with

Andi Matthies, and so I started creating

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these episodes about stepping into

our voice and, you know, becoming

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the narrator of our lives and having

the confidence and courage to really

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express ourselves in only the ways that

we can and allowing ourselves, giving

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ourselves the trust, to back ourselves

to be able to speak and overcome fear.

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And at the time, I, I fell in love

with this idea and I started recording

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these episodes all around voice.

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But I tripped into my own fear and

my own second guessing and, and

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feeling like I have no place in being

an expert in this space and nobody

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would wanna listen to these episodes.

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And so the 10 episodes, I think it was

that I recorded, they just got shelved.

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I actually wrote a substack,

piece about this last week.

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I'll link it in the show notes if

you wanna go back and read all about

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the full origin of this podcast.

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But when I was thinking about rebirthing

and recreating this podcast, the Bold,

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Brave Woman Project, I thought I'm gonna

dig out those old episodes that I recorded

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and see if there are any that fit the

theme of this beautiful new endeavor

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that are worth surfacing and sharing as

part of this new version of the podcast.

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So this particular one that I

released last week, it was one of

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the first episodes that I recorded

as part of Bold and talks a lot

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about my own journey with my voice.

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But here's the thing, when I listened back

to it, that original episode was recorded

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in such a different version of me.

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You know, it was 12 months ago and

so much has been uncovered, has been

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exposed, has broken down, has been

rebuilt over the last 12 months.

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Especially, and I talk about this

most recent breakdown and breakthrough

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that I've had in the last couple

of weeks that is being shared in

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episode three, which drops tomorrow.

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The energy of this original episode

was more from a space of, a teaching,

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sharing through story type energy.

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And whilst that's not wrong,

absolutely it's not wrong.

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And, and at the time I was coaching

women in stepping into self expression

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as my niche, it's very different to the

energy that I want this podcast to be in.

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And when I listened to it back

after uploading it, I realized

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the tone, the vibe and everything.

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It's, it's so different.

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It.

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Is representative Yes.

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Of a version of me, but

a different version.

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And I thought it was very interesting

because when I hit the upload button,

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I popped a little text based post up on

Facebook, which is not my normal channel.

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Usually I'll share through Threads

or or Instagram, but I popped this

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text up on Facebook, and that was all

I did and I couldn't quite understand

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at the time, this time last week.

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Why that was like, why is it that

I'm only putting one little post

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up in a space that people are not

used to connecting with me through.

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And I'm like, oh, I know what that is.

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It's because on an energetic

level, I know that.

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This represents an old piece, but I had

kind of gotten trapped in that old energy

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of the sunk cost fallacy, and I'm not

sure if you're familiar with that term.

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The sunk cost fallacy is where we

invest so much time into something

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that we are too afraid to.

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Not extract value from that, or we

are not, we're too afraid to waste all

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of that energy that we need to use it

or we need to do something with it.

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It's why we might invest in something

and we realize that it's not really the

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right fit or it's not doing the thing

that we need it to do, but we keep pouring

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money into it, hoping or praying and

trying to extract value so that we don't

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look foolish for all the time, energy,

investment that we've put into something.

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And so I feel like.

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I had crept into that energy a little

bit 'cause I'm like, there's this

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beautiful, powerful episode that was

meaningful at the time when I recorded it.

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It was the first time that I had spent,

you know, 40, 35, 40 minutes just talking

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about myself and my journey through the

lens of vulnerability and rawness some

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of the, the lows and the highs that I had

experienced in my journey of my voice.

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And I thought that's important to share.

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That is a.

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A milestone thing that I

put so much effort into.

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I needed to share that as part of this

podcast so that the time and the story

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didn't go to waste, and I thought about

deleting it like this last couple of days.

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I'm like, do I just delete episode

two and you know, relaunch with

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this new episode that's coming out

tomorrow, which is more real time.

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It is more of the breakdowns and the

breakthroughs and the realizations and

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the things going on in my life now through

that lens of the real time becoming

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what it looks like to walk through the.

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The questioning and the becoming

as it happens, which is the promise

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of this new version of the episode.

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You know, maybe nobody's really

listened to it anyway 'cause I

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haven't been promoting it and just.

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Pretend like it didn't happen, but I've

decided not to, and that's why I wanted to

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record this little extra new introduction

for this episode and keep it up there.

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Because becoming is messy.

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Like we don't always know what we're

doing and we don't always do it right,

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but everything that we do on the journey

is so valuable and this episode in

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particular, it's showed me exactly what

I do and I don't want this podcast to be.

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And so it, it belongs here because

it is part of the becoming journey.

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It's part of my journey, it's

part of this podcast journey.

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And if I was to delete that.

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Just out of fear or of shame

or of thinking, oh, I'm being

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inauthentic, or, this isn't real time.

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This is an old version of me.

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Or even just feeling ashamed of perhaps

judging myself that the energy of the

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podcast is coming from a, a more space

of, well, here's a topic I'm going to

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talk about through my story, versus,

Hey, here's what's happening in my

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life and here's what I'm contemplating.

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I don't wanna delete that

because it's, it's important.

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It's a, it's a piece of the story

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i'm also acutely aware that

removing it would also lean into

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perfectionism, that energy that we

often have where we always want to

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curate or protect or project certain

images or professionalism or status.

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And I thought if I delete it,

it's me giving into that need to

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be perfect and to be polished.

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And I thought, oh, this, this

episode needs to stay here just.

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To show to myself, not to anybody

else, to myself, that I'm not

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afraid or ashamed of who I was.

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I, I'm not ashamed of the things

that I tried and failed or second

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guessed or judged or shelved, and

then fell into the sunk cost fallacy

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of, well, I should probably do

something with this rather than it be

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a waste of all that time and energy.

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'cause I spent months and hours and

hours and hours putting energy into

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the first version, of that podcast

that I created Bold with Andi Matthews,

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which got shelved and shut down.

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And then I, months and months

later, that's when the idea of the

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YouTube channel interviewing all

of the female comedians came in.

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And I went on that journey

and then that got shut down.

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I had that energy of, gosh, all of these

failed projects, I need to do something

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with some, some of it, but I just.

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I didn't want that shame narrative to

be there, and so I've decided to keep

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it here and you can hear the difference.

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In fact, if you haven't listened to this

episode yet, I would even encourage you

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to like not listen to it until you hear

the episode that comes out tomorrow,

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because that episode that's dropping

in the morning was recorded just after

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a big breakdown, um, a big breakdown,

breakthrough, and I'm, I'm using those

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words interchangeably because I, I,

didn't have one without the other, but

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it was this big realization that I had

sleepwalked into a life that wasn't mine.

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And that's a real time recording.

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That is something that's

happening and that I'm leading

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myself through at the moment.

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And so if you wanted to, I would

even listen to that episode so

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you can hear the difference in

the energy to this episode here.

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This episode is such a beautiful

moment in my life but you

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can just hear the difference.

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You can hear how far I've

come in the last 12 months.

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Between then and now, and even now, I

still, i'm still in the middle of the

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becoming and I will be for my entire

life, but the energy is very different.

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Um, I'll drop the, the link to the

episode in the show notes so that you

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can get across to, to both of those.

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But it doesn't hurt us to

show where we've come from.

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It doesn't hurt to show what

we've realized, what we've

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walked ourselves through, we

don't need to be afraid of that.

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I've lived my life with so much

shame about the past that it's time

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to just let it be the beautiful

experience and journey that it is.

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So please enjoy this episode as a

glimpse through time, a glimpse back

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into an older version of myself, a

different energy, a different time.

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As a little gift of a little piece of me.

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And if you wanna let me know in the

comments what you think, or if there've

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been times in your life where you've

wanted to just, or, or you have erased.

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The evidence of who you once were

to avoid that feeling of shame.

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I'd love to hear from you 'cause this

is such a normal thing that we do, but

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in this moment, I'm just choosing to

allow it to be a beautiful piece of me.

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I hope you enjoy it.

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And here it is.

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Welcome back to the podcast.

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Today I want to talk about identity

and voice because not all of us

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feel empowered to really speak.

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You know, quite often we have these

really deep stories and experiences

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that we've had that are laced and laden

with incredible insight, but there can

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be lots of layers of conditioning and

fear over the top of that, that really

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prevents ourselves from speaking.

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And traditionally, women have

not had empowered opportunities

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to be able to speak.

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If we look over the course of history,

suppression of women's voices, women's

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rights, Our ability to speak and really

express ourselves has been stifled, yet

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we are coming into this really incredible

time now where there are so many more

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platforms and opportunities for us to

be able to share our incredibly powerful

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stories, But sometimes what holds us back

is still having this old conditioning

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that really prevents us from being able

to not only speak, but really own who

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we are and own our power, and have the

courage to really step up and express

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ourselves just as we are Because when

we do share our stories, it creates

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these incredible ripple effects have

the ability to really change the world.

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And I really understand this because

If I'm completely honest, I have been

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on a really difficult journey with

my own voice and my own confidence.

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And it really wasn't that long

ago where I struggled with being

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paralyzed and terrified to speak up

and speak out and share my story.

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I look back at my journey, honestly, and

it's crazy to think that I've gone from

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such crippling anxiety and hating how

I sounded and being terrified of really

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putting myself out there, especially

publicly, to now fully embracing my voice.

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And this is one of the reasons

why talking about voice and how to

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really unlock it is so so important

because I truly, truly believe that

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all of us have these most incredible

voices just waiting for that moment

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when we're brave enough to use them.

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And there are so many different

ways in which we can use our voices.

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It could be something big, like

getting on a stage or being confident

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enough to be on social media,

share your message with the world.

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Or it could be something simpler, like

having the confidence in your family

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dynamics or in your relationships to

just finally say what's been on your

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mind or set those boundaries or say

those things that you know that your

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soul has been craving to say, but it just

hasn't had the confidence or willingness

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or freedom to be able to speak up.

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And a huge, huge part of this is not

just about finding a voice and then

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getting really loud and speaking

the words that you want to say.

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This is all about finding your voice.

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Yes, but tapping into and remembering

how confident you are, how powerful

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you are how important your story

and your journey to date has been.

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Quite often we feel like we have

nothing of value to say, or our

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lives have been vanilla or simple,

or we haven't been through enough.

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Tragedy or growth or expansion to

have anything worthwhile to say.

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But honestly, this is not true at all.

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and when we realize that it just

cracks open this potential to expand

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into things in our lives that are

beyond even our wildest dreams.

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It will have incredible ripple effects

right across your life, more than

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just having a social media account or

just being a performer on the stage.

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I've worked with so many women right

across the world from all walks of life.

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Women who are just wanting to remember who

they are and how incredible that they are

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so that they can tap into that confidence

to open their voices and own who they are

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and love it in the process And I've worked

with other women who are performers and

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stand up comedians and singer songwriters

who know they have stories And they want

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to be able to step into that magnetism,

that confidence on stages or on other

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platforms and share their stories so

that others who might be feeling alone or

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scared or forgotten about can hear their

message and connect with them on that

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level of, oh my gosh, there's someone else

who understands what I'm going through.

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There's someone else who gets this and

through sharing our stories and the

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things that worked, the things that

didn't work, the trials, the tribulations,

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the celebrations, These are powerful

in that they can go on and create these

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incredible ripple effects in the world

and really create change, not just for

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ourselves, but for others around us.

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And I don't know about you.

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I'm someone who really wants to get

to the end of their life and look back

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and be like, that was for something,

you know, that was meaningful.

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I did something that helped,

even just in a small way.

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For me, that's motivating other women,

talking about voice, talking about

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confidence, talking about identity.

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I'm going to get into my story in a

little bit, but I've had so many different

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incidences, both large and small, that

have really rocked me and my identity.

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Made me question who I

am, what am I here for?

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Am I even any good at this?

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Nobody wants to hear this.

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I've had all of these different fears

that I've had to navigate to get to

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this point now where I really understand

the power of voice, the power of owning

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exactly who we are right now in this

moment and Trust me, I have tried on so

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many different personalities, ways of

showing up, ways of being, and honestly,

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it's so difficult energetically to

try and constantly contort yourself

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to be something that you're not.

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And so really, finally going and saying,

All right, Andi, this is who you are.

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This is what you've been through.

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Doing the work to really find that

love for myself, that love for my life,

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even in the moments where it's hard and

difficult and you questioning everything,

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coming back to that sense of self love

and knowing that what I do is important

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and it has the potential to help and

heal so I can get to the end of my

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life and know that it was all worth it.

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To kick us off, I thought it would

be really helpful to give you a

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bit of context as to my journey

with my voice and some of the

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things that I've had to overcome.

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And I have to say, it's,

it's been a real battle.

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As a young child, I really

struggled to speak up.

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I was particularly terrified of

anyone older than me or anyone who

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felt like they were in a position

of authority or seniority to myself.

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And I really held back on voicing

what I needed or how, how I felt.

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: 00:20:53

And I remember distinct memories,

like being hungry and wanting to get

288

: 00:20:58

something simple like a piece of cheese,

but being so terrified of asking for

289

: 00:21:03

it and potentially being rejected

or being told no or being yelled at.

290

: 00:21:08

And I had created these worlds in my mind

where asking for something Oh, speaking up

291

: 00:21:13

felt super scary and was really difficult.

292

: 00:21:17

So there was so many times where I would

send in my little sister who's four and

293

: 00:21:22

a half years younger than me and was

such a beautiful, confident little girl.

294

: 00:21:28

I would convince her that she also

wanted a piece of cheese or something

295

: 00:21:32

else from the fridge and that it was

a really good idea that she should go

296

: 00:21:35

and ask the adults or whoever it was

297

: 00:21:38

That I deemed as

authority over the cheese.

298

: 00:21:42

And 9 out of 10 times,

honestly, she'd go in there.

299

: 00:21:45

She was super cute.

300

: 00:21:46

So she'd be really cute.

301

: 00:21:47

And she'd say, Oh, can I

please have a piece of cheese?

302

: 00:21:51

And I would be peeking out from

behind the doorframe, watching

303

: 00:21:56

my little sister, thinking, you

know, is she going to get it?

304

: 00:21:59

Oh, she's asking, just completely

living vicariously through her

305

: 00:22:03

to get this piece of cheese.

306

: 00:22:06

And nine out of 10 times, she did.

307

: 00:22:09

She'd get the cheese.

308

: 00:22:10

Like, it really wasn't a big deal, but

in my little body, it was so terrifying.

309

: 00:22:16

And I was so worried of the fear of

rejection or being yelled at that

310

: 00:22:21

I simply couldn't use my voice.

311

: 00:22:23

Unless it was my mum or dad or

someone that I was really familiar

312

: 00:22:26

with, I couldn't speak up.

313

: 00:22:27

I couldn't ask for anything that I needed.

314

: 00:22:31

And And while this is only one example,

there were so many times over my

315

: 00:22:35

young life where speaking up or asking

for things was really difficult.

316

: 00:22:40

And I know these early experiences of not

being able or not being confident enough

317

: 00:22:44

to speak were deeply rooted in fears like

being rejected or being judged or being

318

: 00:22:52

told off, which would mean I was imperfect

and I had a real need to be perfect and

319

: 00:22:59

well put together and well liked that

created so many issues like this for me.

320

: 00:23:04

You know, my voice and not being able to

speak up was a downstream effect of a lot

321

: 00:23:09

of these conditionings and beliefs that I

held about myself and the world around me.

322

: 00:23:14

And at that age, I.

323

: 00:23:16

I didn't know what was going on.

324

: 00:23:18

I, I just knew that all I had was fear,

which then created this paralysis.

325

: 00:23:24

As a medium now, and someone who's deeply

entrenched in the ways of the quantum

326

: 00:23:28

and spirituality, I know that many of

these conditionings and beliefs came

327

: 00:23:33

from from well beyond this lifetime.

328

: 00:23:35

You know, there's a lot of things

that happened in my current lifetime

329

: 00:23:38

that yes, did contribute to it.

330

: 00:23:40

But there were many things that came

through from past lifetimes, from

331

: 00:23:45

ancestral lines that came in and made

this matrix of complexity that resulted

332

: 00:23:51

in me not being able to speak up.

333

: 00:23:53

And this density of these fears was just

bound up and knotted in my little body and

334

: 00:23:59

just resulted in me being terrified all

the time around my voice and who I was.

335

: 00:24:05

This low base meant that When I went

through other significant periods

336

: 00:24:10

or experiences in my life, my voice

just got buried even more and more

337

: 00:24:16

under different layers of fears and

beliefs that I had about myself.

338

: 00:24:21

I had such a difficult time during

my primary and secondary school

339

: 00:24:24

years, even into university,

that You know, I just stopped

340

: 00:24:30

speaking up and I didn't speak out.

341

: 00:24:33

And even although I held many jobs

in the marketing and sales sector

342

: 00:24:39

around this time, particularly around

the university period, that required

343

: 00:24:42

me to deliver keynote speeches or

presentations like it was a big deal

344

: 00:24:48

And really, really difficult for me.

345

: 00:24:51

And I find it really interesting that when

I've spoken to family members and friends

346

: 00:24:56

about this battle that I had for so long.

347

: 00:24:58

It's been such a long time around

speaking with confidence, so many people

348

: 00:25:02

that I've spoken to have reacted to say

that it seems so bizarre because I did

349

: 00:25:07

have this ability to project an air of

confidence And yes, I have to agree.

350

: 00:25:14

got very good at projecting confidence

and seeming really powerful on stage.

351

: 00:25:20

However, the anxiety and the amount of

effort that I had to put into preparing

352

: 00:25:26

and over preparing and making sure

everything was perfect was exhausting.

353

: 00:25:32

and I inside, I was a mess.

354

: 00:25:35

Honestly, I was, I was faking

it until you're making it.

355

: 00:25:39

But if I'm really honest,

I was not quite making it.

356

: 00:25:44

And that had a significant impact on

my self esteem and how I saw myself

357

: 00:25:50

and, you know, it attributed to things

like eating disorders, body dysmorphia,

358

: 00:25:57

social isolation, you know, staying

in abusive relationships way too

359

: 00:26:02

long because I just felt like I had

no value, I didn't like who I was.

360

: 00:26:07

So of course it was impossible

to own that and love that.

361

: 00:26:11

And so I kind of just floated and

bounced and really was driven by fear.

362

: 00:26:17

And, you know, I even

lost about five years.

363

: 00:26:20

Probably longer, but I lost five

very significant years of my life

364

: 00:26:25

to a really severe depression.

365

: 00:26:27

Like, can't get out of bed,

level of depression and despair.

366

: 00:26:32

You know, this feeling of not being worthy

of anything or not feeling like there

367

: 00:26:37

was any point showing up and expressing

and exploring things because there

368

: 00:26:42

was just so much despair under there.

369

: 00:26:44

It's all connected to not loving,

owning who I was, standing in my

370

: 00:26:50

power, realizing that just as I was

and who I was, was enough and did

371

: 00:26:57

have a significant role to play in the

world by just being me and liberating

372

: 00:27:03

myself from all of these fears to find

this beautiful voice that does exist.

373

: 00:27:08

This passion for helping others, this want

to be in the world and make a difference.

374

: 00:27:14

At that time, I couldn't see it.

375

: 00:27:16

It was buried under such heavy,

heavy despair and sadness and

376

: 00:27:22

conditioning that had come from so

many different energetic facets And

377

: 00:27:26

so of course I had to make a change.

378

: 00:27:27

Like I had to draw a line in the sand

and set the really powerful intention

379

: 00:27:32

to myself that like enough was enough.

380

: 00:27:34

I didn't want to be this way anymore.

381

: 00:27:37

I wanted to find a way to love

myself, to love my life, to be

382

: 00:27:42

someone who was confident because I,

in amongst all of this, you know, I

383

: 00:27:47

was quite academic, but I also had a

real passion for the creative arts.

384

: 00:27:52

Like in high school, you

laugh, but in high school, I

385

: 00:27:55

wanted to be Miss Spielberg.

386

: 00:27:56

Like I was the, the person that would

run around with the camera and was

387

: 00:28:00

writing scripts And, you know, it was

indulging in these creative pursuits.

388

: 00:28:06

And when I look back at it now, I

can see that yes, I had the creative

389

: 00:28:11

streak, but for me particularly, and

this doesn't apply to everyone in

390

: 00:28:15

filmmaking, but, but, Being behind the

camera was still a degree of hiding.

391

: 00:28:20

Like it It was the upper limit of my

comfort to really put myself out there.

392

: 00:28:25

But being in plays, being in movies,

creating these stories, this underlying

393

: 00:28:30

current of storytelling, like it had

been there for me for such a long time.

394

: 00:28:34

I was even writing stories

when I was really young and

395

: 00:28:37

I had, this beautiful best

friend through primary school.

396

: 00:28:40

She and I used to raid costume boxes

and find these little costumes and then

397

: 00:28:46

go around and put on plays and we loved

it with choreograph dances and little

398

: 00:28:51

performances, but I distinctly remember

by the time we got to grades five, I would

399

: 00:28:58

say, which is probably around that age of

10, You know, putting yourselves out there

400

: 00:29:04

in that way, you know, you are open open

to ridicule and kids can be really cruel.

401

: 00:29:09

Like, I've never really loved school

from a perspective of bullying.

402

: 00:29:13

That's that's another

big part of my story.

403

: 00:29:15

And I think these combination of

experiences of bullying That's bullying.

404

: 00:29:19

being terrified and then trying to put

myself out there creatively and then

405

: 00:29:25

getting humiliated in terms of kids

laughing I internalized a lot of this.

406

: 00:29:29

So wanting to be Miss Spielberg

was me trying to have a voice and

407

: 00:29:33

telling stories, but from a kind of

protected or sheltered perspective.

408

: 00:29:39

And so all of these things compounded

to get into my early 20s and

409

: 00:29:44

have this severe depression, I

knew that I had to make a change.

410

: 00:29:47

And so I really powerfully and

passionately drew a line in the

411

: 00:29:51

sand and said I feel so broken and

I I don't want to be here anymore.

412

: 00:29:57

Like I need to start lifting myself up.

413

: 00:30:00

This is a line in the sand and being the

type of person that I am, I am an all in.

414

: 00:30:06

And so I said to myself, no matter what

it takes, no matter how hard it is,

415

: 00:30:10

I'm going to pull myself out of this.

416

: 00:30:12

Like I am going to rebuild myself.

417

: 00:30:14

I'm going to find myself.

418

: 00:30:16

And that spurred me on to make decisions

like seeking out in the early days

419

: 00:30:21

counsellors and then delving into the

energetics of things like EFT and tapping

420

: 00:30:29

and lots of different metaphysical

modalities as well, and healing,

421

: 00:30:33

kinesiology, everything that I could

get my hand on to start really unpacking

422

: 00:30:39

what it is that I was dealing with,

what all this fear was, and start to

423

: 00:30:42

recode that and doing all of that work.

424

: 00:30:45

And it took me all around the world.

425

: 00:30:47

I've worked both locally here in

Australia, I've traveled over to

426

: 00:30:50

the States to work with incredible

energy workers and shamans and

427

: 00:30:54

leaders of different modalities.

428

: 00:30:56

I've traveled to India to work with

gurus in really intensive settings

429

: 00:31:01

to kind of tick all of this out and

do body work and do energetic work.

430

: 00:31:05

I've worked with sexual based energy

healers as well to try and unlock

431

: 00:31:10

all of that stuff that was stored in

my body that was really holding and

432

: 00:31:14

suppressing my voice and my confidence

and my power down, to really unpack

433

: 00:31:19

and break out of all of that old stuff.

434

: 00:31:22

I just didn't want to hold

that in my body anymore.

435

: 00:31:25

And there was so many ambitious

things that I wanted to achieve.

436

: 00:31:29

I wanted to take my creativity to

the next level, but instead of being

437

: 00:31:33

behind the camera, because I knew

for me, that was a sense of hiding.

438

: 00:31:37

I wanted to.

439

: 00:31:40

I wanted to be confident to show up

on social media, to lead movements

440

: 00:31:44

and change That makes a difference.

441

: 00:31:47

But it was a hard journey.

442

: 00:31:49

Like, there were moments where I

wanted to give up, and I did give up.

443

: 00:31:53

I did.

444

: 00:31:54

In full transparency, there were

moments I was like, no, I can't do this.

445

: 00:31:57

It's too much.

446

: 00:31:57

I can't do this.

447

: 00:31:58

It's too heavy.

448

: 00:31:59

I'm just feeling so broken You know,

I would go back in and I would retreat

449

: 00:32:03

and I'd go back into relationships

that were bad for me, I'd change who I

450

: 00:32:07

was, I'd give away all of my power, my

confidence, and my voice, which is the

451

: 00:32:11

worst thing that I could have done when

you give your voice away to someone else.

452

: 00:32:15

And so I'd have these moments

where I'd go back, I fall back, but

453

: 00:32:19

there was always something in me.

454

: 00:32:21

And if you're listening,

you might recognize this.

455

: 00:32:24

There's always this little thing,

this little voice, this little

456

: 00:32:27

twinge, something in you that's

like, Oh, I'm not going to give up.

457

: 00:32:31

Like, I know I gave up, I put

my hands up, I surrendered in

458

: 00:32:35

this moment, but you know what?

459

: 00:32:36

I'm going to keep trying.

460

: 00:32:37

I'm going to find the next thing

that's going to help me, the next book,

461

: 00:32:41

the next person, the next coach, the

next thing that the universe presents

462

: 00:32:45

to you or piques your interest and

you're like, oh, there's a reason.

463

: 00:32:49

And for me, one of those things that the

universe kind of wrangled in my path is

464

: 00:32:55

my mom and I went to a random free seminar

about body language and presenting.

465

: 00:33:01

And at this point, and I was in careers

where I was doing a lot of presenting,

466

: 00:33:05

And this little mini day seminar

about body language and stage presence

467

: 00:33:10

came up and my mom and I went along.

468

: 00:33:13

And at the end of this workshop,

they pitched this three day

469

: 00:33:17

intensive speaker's bootcamp, right?

470

: 00:33:20

And it was like putting you in a

pressure cooker to not only teach you

471

: 00:33:25

and train you on effective stagecraft

and speaking, but really bringing in

472

: 00:33:29

all of those story showing elements

so that you could become that next

473

: 00:33:33

level of keynote speaker on the stage.

474

: 00:33:36

I honestly was terrified.

475

: 00:33:38

My mom, she's amazing, and I'm going

to have her on the podcast at some

476

: 00:33:42

point to tell her story because she's

got a really powerful story, but

477

: 00:33:46

she heard the woman speak and was

straight up the back of the room.

478

: 00:33:51

And signed up.

479

: 00:33:52

And I was sitting in the audience

thinking, you know, who am I to do this?

480

: 00:33:55

Why would I even sign up to this?

481

: 00:33:57

How am I going to pay for it?

482

: 00:33:59

What would my fiance at the time say?

483

: 00:34:01

Like he was not, a big fan of investing

in, um, personal development because

484

: 00:34:05

he didn't see the value in it.

485

: 00:34:07

And I had allowed him to

imprint that belief on me.

486

: 00:34:10

So I was sitting there and then my mom

comes back from the back of the room

487

: 00:34:13

after signing herself up and sits down.

488

: 00:34:15

She's like, don't be angry.

489

: 00:34:17

but I've signed you up as well.

490

: 00:34:19

I remember exploding.

491

: 00:34:20

I was like, what?

492

: 00:34:22

What have you done?

493

: 00:34:23

Like, I can't, you know, all of

the reasons pouring out of me.

494

: 00:34:26

I can't afford it.

495

: 00:34:27

What's my fiance going to say?

496

: 00:34:29

Like, I'm going to be in so much trouble,

blah, blah, Like all of the fear and

497

: 00:34:32

the conditioning just pouring out.

498

: 00:34:33

She's like, just trust me.

499

: 00:34:35

Just trust me.

500

: 00:34:36

It's going to change your life.

501

: 00:34:37

Like, I've just got a feeling.

502

: 00:34:38

And so begrudgingly, And here's

the thing, like, she signed me up,

503

: 00:34:42

but I still had to pay for it, so I

begrudgingly went up to the back of the

504

: 00:34:45

room and handed over my credit card.

505

: 00:34:47

And honestly, it was the best thing

that I did because it opened the door,

506

: 00:34:51

like, setting that intention and being

willing to be stretched so far out

507

: 00:34:56

of my comfort zone to do that was the

best thing that I could have done.

508

: 00:35:02

And the event itself, the boot

camp itself, wasn't for, you

509

: 00:35:05

know, a month or two later.

510

: 00:35:07

Huh?

511

: 00:35:08

So I had to go home and bridge the subject

with my fiancé at the time and tell him

512

: 00:35:12

that this is what I was going to do.

513

: 00:35:14

And, you know, went through the wrath of

all of that, And mum and I went, and it

514

: 00:35:19

was an incredible experience, both from

really triggering the depths of fear

515

: 00:35:26

and questioning who you are, because

this boot camp was set so intensively.

516

: 00:35:31

Like, it moved quickly.

517

: 00:35:33

It threw you on stage straight away.

518

: 00:35:36

You know, there were video

cameras, they were videoing,

519

: 00:35:38

doing professional headshots.

520

: 00:35:39

Like, it was the whole thing.

521

: 00:35:41

It was a pressure cooker.

522

: 00:35:42

And I remember for the first

couple of days, like, just

523

: 00:35:46

struggling, battling, struggling.

524

: 00:35:48

You know, you'd have a moment where

you'd deliver something Right.

525

: 00:35:50

But then your head would come in

and say, that's not good enough.

526

: 00:35:53

Like, who are you?

527

: 00:35:55

And the very last night, it was a Saturday

night, class ran until like 9 or 10 p.

528

: 00:36:00

m.

529

: 00:36:00

at night.

530

: 00:36:01

And then we had to go home and write

these, I think they were four minutes.

531

: 00:36:06

a keynote like high level keynote

speeches to come back and deliver in

532

: 00:36:11

front of the broadcast crew and an

audience and everything the next morning.

533

: 00:36:16

And so with class finishing at 10 p.

534

: 00:36:17

m, like it was a late night of,

like, writing and practicing.

535

: 00:36:21

And mum and I had hired a little Airbnb.

536

: 00:36:24

It was adorable.

537

: 00:36:25

And so we had this beautiful little

space where we were working on our

538

: 00:36:28

things and I just felt all of that old

conditioning, I just felt so broken.

539

: 00:36:35

And I wrote this thing, I practiced

it, I couldn't get it to land

540

: 00:36:39

because I was also dealing with

that perfectionism streak as well.

541

: 00:36:44

And when you've got perfectionism

on board, because I hadn't quite

542

: 00:36:47

healed that to this point, you know,

it makes you question everything.

543

: 00:36:52

And so nothing was lining up to

this incredibly high benchmark

544

: 00:36:57

that I had set for myself.

545

: 00:36:59

that I vowed that I couldn't do it.

546

: 00:37:01

I quit.

547

: 00:37:02

I went to bed.

548

: 00:37:03

I was like, I'm sorry, mom.

549

: 00:37:04

I've let you down.

550

: 00:37:05

Like, I can't do this.

551

: 00:37:07

I'll let them know in the morning

that I'm going to step out of like

552

: 00:37:09

doing the final, presentation.

553

: 00:37:11

And this is just who I am and how I am.

554

: 00:37:14

And I'm just residing to the fact that

this is me and I'm never going to be

555

: 00:37:18

confident enough to tell my story or

to be a powerful presence on stage.

556

: 00:37:24

Like it's just not for me.

557

: 00:37:25

Like I'm just not built

this way essentially.

558

: 00:37:27

And so I I left mum who's working

in the living room and went to bed.

559

: 00:37:31

Basically cried myself to sleep.

560

: 00:37:32

But in the next morning I woke up, mum

she had her speech, you know, she was

561

: 00:37:36

working through her own conditioning.

562

: 00:37:38

We went down to the early morning

start of the last day of the bootcamp.

563

: 00:37:44

And I went up to the organiser and just

explained he was a lovely man and just

564

: 00:37:48

said look I can't do this, like I can't

do it, I'm feeling all these things, it's

565

: 00:37:52

not good enough, like essentially just

a real terrified old patterned response.

566

: 00:37:58

And he was like, that's fine.

567

: 00:38:00

You know, we're never going

to force you to do anything.

568

: 00:38:02

and he looked at me and he said,

and I've never forgotten this.

569

: 00:38:05

He said, you are capable of more than

what your brain is telling you you can do.

570

: 00:38:14

I sat there and I thought about it.

571

: 00:38:16

There was something true that hit

home because I knew on an energetic

572

: 00:38:21

level, there was something about

expression and storytelling and being

573

: 00:38:25

confident that was really familiar.

574

: 00:38:29

You know, it was that distant echo

of, I know I've done this before,

575

: 00:38:34

whether it's in a past life, whether

it was from different experiences

576

: 00:38:38

in different contexts, there is an

energetic memory here of actually

577

: 00:38:42

being a confident storyteller.

578

: 00:38:45

And so I sat in that energy and the

first few people came up and they

579

: 00:38:49

did their presentations and they,

you know, we're in a bootcamp.

580

: 00:38:53

So they weren't perfect and polished,

but they resonated and they hit.

581

: 00:38:57

And so I sat there and I got this really

clear, intuitive hit to say you need to

582

: 00:39:02

write your speech right here, right now,

based on exactly what you're feeling.

583

: 00:39:07

Drop the pretense and the sales pitch

and all the other things that you were

584

: 00:39:11

going to get out there and talk about.

585

: 00:39:13

Just drop all those subjects

and all of those topics and just

586

: 00:39:16

write about this moment and this

feeling so that's what I did.

587

: 00:39:20

There was speaker after speaker on the

stage and, and I just sat there and I just

588

: 00:39:23

wrote and wrote and wrote on these cards.

589

: 00:39:26

And then at the very end, they said, is

there anyone else who wants to come up who

590

: 00:39:31

perhaps was thinking of sitting out today?

591

: 00:39:34

And I raised my hand and

somehow between writing it.

592

: 00:39:37

It had sunk deep enough into my psyche

and into my bones that I went up there.

593

: 00:39:42

I popped the cards on the

side and I delivered this

594

: 00:39:45

amazing keynote presentation

595

: 00:39:49

And I had a standing ovation.

596

: 00:39:51

Like it was, I can feel the emotion

coming up as I tell you this story, like.

597

: 00:39:55

It was an incredible turning point in

my life to be able to show myself that

598

: 00:40:01

no matter how dark things felt and no

matter how insignificant I thought I

599

: 00:40:06

was or that my story was, it could have

a profound impact on others, on myself

600

: 00:40:14

It was a moment of transformation for me.

601

: 00:40:17

And so from that day

onward, I became obsessed.

602

: 00:40:20

I started taking every course

on voice, on expression, on

603

: 00:40:24

confidence, on channeling, on.

604

: 00:40:25

All the different modalities

and I just studied like a fiend.

605

: 00:40:30

Like I learnt everything that I could

and made a really powerful decision to

606

: 00:40:36

actually make this my life's work.

607

: 00:40:38

And so this became my world.

608

: 00:40:40

I quit my corporate job in 2021,

To start a coaching business on a

609

: 00:40:46

massive leap of faith And I launched a

podcast called Life in Contradiction.

610

: 00:40:51

I launched Body Diaries, To now

being an actor and performer of all

611

: 00:40:55

things, honestly, of all things, to

go from that anxiety to now being

612

: 00:41:00

on stages is honestly so profound,

even to me, still, I look back on it

613

: 00:41:05

and I'm like, how did this happen?

614

: 00:41:06

I am so proud of myself and

navigating all that I did to get here.

615

: 00:41:11

And I can tell you that it

brings me so much joy now.

616

: 00:41:16

not just from the work that I do, but

for how I see myself, No matter what's

617

: 00:41:22

going on, the chaos around me, the,

you know, the day to day difficulties

618

: 00:41:27

that we all face, I can look in the

mirror and be like, it was worth it,

619

: 00:41:30

I love you, this work is important,

And it's all because I drew that

620

: 00:41:36

line in the sand and said, enough.

621

: 00:41:39

Now is the time where I decide

that I'm worth something and

622

: 00:41:43

that my voice is worth sharing.

623

: 00:41:46

And so if you're listening

thinking, I could never do that.

624

: 00:41:51

I could never have the confidence

to speak up and share my story.

625

: 00:41:56

Let me tell you, you 100 percent can

626

: 00:42:01

Trust me.

627

: 00:42:01

There are so many powerful ways that

you can navigate all of the energetics

628

: 00:42:06

that you've got on board or the

beliefs, the conditioning that exists

629

: 00:42:10

within your body, within your soul.

630

: 00:42:12

You can shed those.

631

: 00:42:14

And this podcast is going

to dive into a lot of these.

632

: 00:42:18

I'm going to be sharing lots of

different moments from my lifetime

633

: 00:42:21

and the depths of despair that I felt

634

: 00:42:25

But all of the different modalities,

techniques, tools, realizations that

635

: 00:42:29

I came to, and sharing these with you

so that you can start to, if they feel

636

: 00:42:34

aligned with you, really shift out of

these old modes and ways of being so

637

: 00:42:39

that you can really own who you are.

638

: 00:42:41

So if if you have any questions or there's

anything that you're still moving through

639

: 00:42:46

when it comes to your confidence connect

with me on Instagram @andi.matthies

640

: 00:42:51

and let me know.

641

: 00:42:53

What kinds of things do you want to know

about boldness and stepping into this?

642

: 00:42:57

You know, what is it

that you dream of doing?

643

: 00:43:00

And what's standing in the way of you

doing that so that we can tackle these

644

: 00:43:03

topics together and really get you out

there feeling confident and really

645

: 00:43:08

create this incredible life that you want.

646

: 00:43:11

So Make sure you stay in touch

with me, drop me your questions.

647

: 00:43:15

What is on the other side

of this is so worth it.

648

: 00:43:19

And I cannot wait to go

on this journey with you.

649

: 00:43:22

Thank you so much for

tuning into today's episode.

650

: 00:43:26

If you wanna check out all of the

behind the scenes content for this

651

: 00:43:29

podcast, make sure you subscribe to my

Substack channel, the Becoming Archive.

652

: 00:43:34

You will also be able to find me on

Threads and Instagram at andi.matthies.

653

: 00:43:40

Make sure you're connected and

stay up to date with what's coming.