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Episode 3

3. The Moment I Realised I Was Living a Life That Wasn’t Mine

In this episode of the Bold, Brave Woman Project, I reflect deeply on what it means to be a bold, brave woman in today's world, particularly in the context of my own life. I explore how I have allowed my career, relationships, and societal expectations to define me.

After a recent event that left me questioning my path, I share my journey of realising that what I thought I wanted and needed might not truly align with my authentic self. This reflection has been both daunting and enlightening, leading to significant conversations with loved ones, and reevaluations of who I am and who I want to be.

Join me as I unravel these thoughts and feelings, seeking to inspire you to also examine your definitions of boldness and bravery in your own life.

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Instagram: @houseofandrea

Website: www.andimatthies.com


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More about House of Andrea:

House of Andrea is created by host Andrea Lee Matthies in Naarm (Melbourne), Australia. Andrea is an artist, photographer and clairvoyant medium who explores the intersections of creativity, spirituality and the human experience. Her art and conversations invite us into spaces of spiritual expansion — where we see ourselves more clearly and live more fully as our highest selves.

New episodes every Tuesday 6am AEST. Make sure to hit subscribe/follow so you never miss an episode!

This podcast is part of the Cherry Fizz Network.


For collaboration & interview bookings: Drop us an email at hello@andimatthies.com

Transcript
Andrea Matthies:

I'm Andrea Lee Matthies, writer, photographer,

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and Clairvoyant Medium, and this

is the Bold, Brave Woman Project.

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This podcast is a living, breathing,

unfolding of what it really

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means to step into our becoming.

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Born from the ashes of a failed YouTube

channel, this weekly podcast brings you

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real unfiltered moments of failure, of

bravery, and of deep intuitive knowing.

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so that you too can step into who you are

becoming with even more trust and bravery.

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Let's dive in.

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Andi M: Hello and welcome to

the Bold, brave Woman Project.

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I've been thinking a lot lately about

this project and about what it really

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means to be a bold, brave woman I think

what's been really interesting is I've

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always had certain definitions of bold

and brave and what it means to be a

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woman, particularly in today's society.

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But lately I've been trying to

really dig into that and think,

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yes, but what does that mean for me?

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What does that mean

for me and for my life?

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And if I am to go on this journey of

making myself the bold, brave woman,

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the woman in the project, the woman who

wants to dream and dare and do things,

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what is it that I need to change?

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Like what does that actually

tangibly and realistically look like?

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And it sent me on a bit of a rabbit

hole, and that's why I wanna share

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this episode with you right at the top

of the podcast because I've actually

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landed in some places that I didn't

expect and have been battling a few

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things lately that I've really had to

dig into and around to work out what it

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is that I really want for myself, what,

what it is that I want for my life.

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Do I wanna continue down the pathway of

the things that I've been doing and the

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way that I've been living my life and the

way I've been managing my relationships,

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and I'm not sure that it is.

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And whilst.

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Placing these kinds of questions

can be daunting, can be scary,

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can be anxiety provoking.

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There's also this moment of, of

expansiveness, of expression, of really

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excavating what is real and what is

true and not fact, because I know

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there's a big difference between true.

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In fact, particularly when it comes to

being a human and living in a nuanced

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society with everything that is around

us in terms of our material lives,

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but also our energetic lives as well.

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But who is it that I really wanna be?

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Now, up until this point, like I've

been reflecting a lot on my life.

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I have had such a.

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Meander type life.

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especially when it came to my

career, and, and I've defined myself

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by who am I as by what I'm doing.

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What I'm doing in terms of my

career, in terms of my hobbies and

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activities, my day-to-day routines,

I've allowed the doing and the action

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and the titles to really define

who I am, and this has worked well

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and quote unquote, successfully.

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Find both financially and from a

relationship perspective for a long time,

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and so I haven't really needed to question

it, but just with all of this energy

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that's moving through me at the moment,

I'm in this place where I, I actually

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wanna lift up the lid and the curtain and

dust these places and spaces off and look

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at them with a perspective of questioning.

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A, how did I get here?

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And B, is this really what I

want to continue to move forward?

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And it's been both a delightful and

expansive period, but also one of quiet.

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Dark, um, and heaviness.

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Not so much darkness, but heaviness

and sadness and contraction of

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questioning and realization that perhaps

I've landed myself in a space and a

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lifestyle that isn't one that really

aligns with my, my heart in terms

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of who I am now and where I'm going.

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I look back over my life and none

of the decisions have been wrong.

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This isn't about.

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Reflecting and having regret and wanting

to have made different decisions.

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There's a huge amount of grace and

gratitude that I do feel when I look

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back across my life because all of

the hardships, all the difficulties,

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all of the decisions that were

made that perhaps led me down

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paths that were less anticipated,

still got me to be where I am now.

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Even with some of the contraction

and things that I am working through,

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but it's such a beautiful place to be

with all of this depth of experience

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and wealth of knowledge that comes

from having lived through a lot of

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those experiences and having to ask

a lot of those questions based on

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the things that I have either done or

seen or witnessed or had done to me.

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You know, there's, there's a

wealth of questions that now exist

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for me to be able to ask that.

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If I hadn't have had those moments and

those experiences, I wouldn't even be

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aware that there were different questions

to ask or different ways to see or look.

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And it also helps me relate to the world

and relate to people in a deeper level.

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And so there's this huge sense of

gratitude that I do carry with me

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every day, but also this need now to.

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Really just sit and look at it all

and ask, well, who do I wanna be?

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Not just who I am, because of

course that is always evolving.

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And of course the decisions and actions

and things that I've done that have

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led to this point shape who I am.

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But who do I want to be?

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And one of the things that I've been

thinking about recently and has come

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through really clear for me is this

difference between want and need.

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And I think I, for a long

time, I've confused the two.

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I've lived in this place

of, well, I need everything.

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Or like I want everything.

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'cause I need it.

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You know?

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I have had a career.

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And the different episodes will touch

on different facets of this, but I've

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had a career where I've done lots

of different things from creative

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to engineering and technical to

marketing to strategic back into, um.

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Nursing fields and healing fields

and service fields right across,

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again, to creative and strategic.

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And I have just gone through

these different cycles and

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different periods where I've had

different focuses in my life.

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And along the way I have picked

up certain lifestyle traits.

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Like I wanna live in a really

good suburb and I wanna have

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a certain, um, type of living.

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Sort of environment in terms of

like really modern and clean and

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you know, you walk in and it's like

marble and it feels really lovely.

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Like I'm not talking lavish, but I'm

just talking that simplistic, modern.

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Yet I've made it when I walk in the

door and look around at this, the

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fixtures and the fittings and the

furnishings, like somehow in my life I've

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attributed success to things like that.

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And you know, when a certain.

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Um, relationships.

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You know, I want deep caring relationships

with my friend and my family and

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my husband and I have a beautiful

relationship with my husband, but I also

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wanna make sure I am seen to be social

and have certain friendship groups

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and feel fulfilled on those levels.

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And.

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I wanna do certain hobbies.

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There's been lots of things that I

just, along the way of moving in and

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out of these different careers and these

different experiences and decisions I've

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made, that I've picked up all of these.

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Well, I need these things 'cause otherwise

I'm unhappy and I've built a life around

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these decisions and around these wants.

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But what is really interesting is of late.

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I've gotten everything that I really

quote unquote wanted the definition

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that I thought was going to make me

happy in terms of the house, in the nice

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suburb or the, the apartment rather.

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In the nice suburb with the

beautiful fixtures and fittings and

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furniture, you know, the perfect

marriage with an amazing man.

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So I can say, oh, you know, this

is my husband and I'm married.

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And you know, the title

that goes with that.

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I've got the coaching business, which

is, you know, one of those titles

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that a lot of people seek around.

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Oh, you're a, you know,

a coach or a mentor.

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You run your own business,

you're an entrepreneur.

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You know, there's a certain level,

even though it's hard work, prestige

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and reputation that goes with that.

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I work for myself.

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I, I make my own hours.

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I call in my own clients, you know,

there's a lot of power and like

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I said, reputation or energetic

status that comes along with that.

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So I kind of, all these things that I'd

been dreaming of and working towards.

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I woke up recently and

I'm like, oh my goodness.

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Like I, I followed that path

and I have those things.

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Why is it then that there's

still a part of me that.

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It doesn't wanna be here, that doesn't

want to be in this apartment, that

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doesn't want to necessarily show up on

Instagram and do all the things that

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we need to do for our coaching business

and serve the clients in the way that

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we've set the framework up to, to do.

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Um, you know, the way that my husband

and I have set up our lifestyle and

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our hobbies and our routines and habits

and how we have dinner and all of the

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things like, why am I all of a sudden.

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Having chased and built and wanted,

all of these things, why am I so

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sad and empty and unfulfilled?

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And I'm not saying that nothing

in my life makes me happy.

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You know, my husband and I recently

moved into this new beautiful

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apartment and in our old apartment I

was dreaming of this new apartment.

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And we've moved and we've

been here for four months now.

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This last couple of weeks, I would

say the last two or three weeks

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I've been waking up and I'm like.

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Why is this not enough?

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Like, why is the thing that I

thought was gonna bring me joy?

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Not, you know, did I make a wrong choice?

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Should we have stayed in the other place?

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Like, you know, you start to question

all of our decisions and doubt

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ourselves, but I realized at some point

I had followed a path that I had set

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for myself based on what I thought

that I needed and that I wanted.

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And I've woken up with the universe

and all the effort that I've put in

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that I, that I have the thing that

I've wanted, and all of a sudden I'm

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like, oh, maybe that's not what I

wanted because I was sleepwalking on

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autopilot into a life that I thought

I needed, or I thought that I wanted.

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And this all catalyzed because

recently I went to an event, um,

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there was an event by a mentor and

a coach that I love here in my area

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of Melbourne, and she was hosting an

event that was a collaboration event.

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It was an event that brought

powerful women together into a

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space to meet, network, collaborate.

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Learn more about collaboration, get

into the energy and the energetics of

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what that is and how that works so that

powerhouse women could come together

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and build incredible things together.

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Because as a solo entrepreneur, we don't

necessarily always wanna work solo.

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Sometimes if we find our right person.

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We wanna create and build

magical things together.

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And I'd kind of gotten to a point in my

coaching business where I was like, I

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think collaboration is the next level.

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That is the next level of success and

door opening and opportunity that I need.

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And so when this event.

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First popped up, I was

like, right, I'm there.

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Bought my ticket.

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And my mom's also in this beautiful space

as well, so she, I, I mentioned it to

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her and she's like, yes, I wanna go too.

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It's gonna be amazing.

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so we booked accommodation, we'd

organized all of our things.

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We were gonna go away for a couple of

days and go to this event and brainstorm.

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It was gonna be magical.

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And so I, for a month, I was

like, oh, this event, this

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event's gonna be my next level.

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This event's gonna have

the answers that I seek.

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And so I had so much anticipation

on this event, unlocking the next

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level, both within me and for me

in terms of collaboration and.

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It got down there, we checked into our

little Airbnb, which was beautiful,

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like, you know, modern and all of the

aesthetic things that, you know, makes

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you feel, particularly when you're

entrepreneur, that you've made it.

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This is amazing.

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and the next morning we get up and we

get ready and, you know, quite excited.

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We head off to this event.

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The event itself was at a winery.

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So again, it was at the

beautiful, um, location.

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There was, it was beautiful reception upon

arrival, and we settle into this space and

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then the event starts, and the women who

were leading it were very high energy and,

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and beautiful, high intentional women.

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But what I realized, the longer that

I sat and watched this event and

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watched these women in this space.

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It's hard to describe, but there was a

part of me that kind of got further and

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further and further away as if I was

like watching it, um, from a bird's eye

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view perspective and had nothing but this

feeling of, oh my goodness, I thought that

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I was one of these women and that these

are the kinds of events and spaces and

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women that I wanted to be in host, um,

you know, lead support, the whole thing.

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I thought that this was the world that

I, not desperately, but this is the

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world that I was elevating my coaching.

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Two, because my coaching has been very

deep and very intimate, one-on-one, and I

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thought, no, I'm gonna go big with events

and stage and all of this kind of stuff.

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And I was watching this group and

the women around me and just felt.

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Like an outof body experience, and I

know this was my higher self starting to

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show to me and to crack open and release

all of this armor, this shielding,

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this structure of who I had become.

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All of a sudden, my higher self and

myself and my inner knowing started

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to release all of that outside.

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It was like a crust that I'd been wearing,

whatever was going on in this moment and.

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Being divinely supported.

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All of this stuff just melted.

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It just cracked and melted away, and

all of a sudden I was sitting there and

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I was like, I don't want any of this.

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This is not who I am.

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This is not the world that I wanna be.

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I don't.

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Wanna lead these kinds of rooms.

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like I had been following a path of

entrepreneurship, of marketing, of

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branding, of becoming, of contorting,

to be a coach that I thought was the

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best version of me that I should be, and

I'd found myself in this room, which I

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had, you know, been so excited to get

into and to pay for only to realize.

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I don't want any of this.

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This is not for me, and this is absolutely

no comment on these incredible, powerful

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women that we're reading are leading this

workshop, and this is no comment on the

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women in the space because I could see

them in their full, beautiful selves.

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but I realized all of a sudden

that I'd been trying to emulate

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and become a version of that,

which for them is a beautiful fit.

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But for me, I was like, oh my

God, what have I been doing?

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This is nuts.

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This is not the life that I wanna have.

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This is like I'm somehow

sleep walked my way.

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Into wanting this or

thinking that I need this.

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And this is, comes back to this

confusion around want or need.

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Like I didn't want it and I also

realizing I didn't need it and I'd

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entangled both of the two things.

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But what happened was I, it was

like a four hour event and by

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the time the event ended, I.

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There, there's something that sometimes

happens when we have this cracking

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open that we start to, to make sense

of it, we start to turn to either

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blame or justify or explain it.

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And the only thing I could

turn to was turn it inward,

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like, what's wrong with me?

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Like, why am I not enjoying this?

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Why am I starting to feel like

there's something wrong with me?

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There's something broken.

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Why is this not the answer that I've

been seeking when all indications

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on paper or logic or the, the way

that I've lived my life until this

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point, you know, why is it not?

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The solution, like why is

it not working and fitting?

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And I had these questions

swirling around and like, is

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there something wrong with me?

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Like I am.

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I.

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Broken.

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Am I stuck in scarcity?

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you know, all of these questions,

pointing it inward as if there was

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something drastically wrong with me,

and that they were right, and that This

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world of entrepreneurship was right and

correct and gospel written in stone, and

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there was something broken within me.

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And so we left the event and

got back to the accommodation,

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and I felt like an empty shell.

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I walked into the accommodation and the

tears started, the heaviness, started

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the questioning, that feeling of like, I

thought I'd built this incredible solid

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basis and all of a sudden it was like

that had just smashed into a million

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pieces and I was just falling and floating

and not knowing where the solid ground

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was anymore because this thing that I

thought was real and that I'd wanted and

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that was going to carry me to my next

level of my life and a deeper connection

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with myself had just been shattered.

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All of a sudden I was seeing

everything and feeling everything,

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and I just sunk into this really,

it wasn't a darkness, but it was a

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despair of, if not this, then what?

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You know, I've always been.

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I guess this is part of

societal conditioning, that my

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logical mind is the safest bet.

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Like if my logical mind can figure it

out and I can see it, then I can plan it.

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Then I can be sure that it's

gonna happen and I'm safe.

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And so with this space, with being in

this, all of a sudden this liminal voids

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space of, well, if not that, then what?

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My mind was absolutely reeling, and

this is the thing, um, I do know

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quite a lot about human design and

particularly about my own human design.

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I'm a six two

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I have pretty much everything

in my centers undefined and open

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except for my spleen and my sacral.

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And so the only two things that I know

for sure to rely on is my connection

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to my intuition and to source and my

deep knowing, my body's ability to

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know what is right or what is wrong.

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I have an open hit.

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I have an open, um, top of mind.

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I have all of my other centers.

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Open.

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So that means that I can feel, see,

sense, no take in map, match all of

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the other energies that are around me.

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But in terms of who I am

now and where I'm going.

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that is the job of my

sacral and my spleen.

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But because I have operated and been

conditioned to for such a long time

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to be academic, to be logical, to

be sure by plans and stats, and feel

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safe by making decisions in that way.

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This smashing of this grounded platform

that I had been working on building and

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increasing and heightening with that

gone, everything just felt like it was

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reeling, like, if not this, then what.

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And so I just ended up into this place of,

I can only really describe it as despair.

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This despair of sadness of not this

then what, if not this, then who am I?

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And and we were due to check out

the next morning after this event.

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My mom and I spent the rest

of that day just kind of like

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feeling through all of the stuff.

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I don't know whether to burn everything

to the ground, whether to start pivoting,

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to, to do something different, like

everything just became liminal and

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vast and unsure, but at the same time.

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At the same time, even though there

was so much despair and so much

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questioning there, there was also

this feeling of yes, blank slate.

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My logical mind was finding it.

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' cause it was like, if I have a blank

slate, what do I write on the sleep?

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Like, tell me what to write on the slate.

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I need to know, I need to be

able to write something or draw

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something or, or, or just know.

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And so I had to really work

with that and be like, no,

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blank slate means opportunity.

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It means possibility.

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It means discovery.

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Not only of what this is, but who I am.

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The life that I truly wanna lead.

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And we were meant to check outta the

accommodation the next morning, but I was

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in such a space of sadness and questioning

that I said to my mom, like, I can't go

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back to my home right now because I just,

I don't know where I am and who I am.

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And so we quickly got on as women too.

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We got onto Airbnb and

we found another place.

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'cause the place that we just

checked out of wasn't available.

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I would've just gone back

there, but that's okay.

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We found another Airbnb and I just looked

at my mom, I'm like, is this crazy?

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Like should I just.

348

:

Just suck it up and go back home

and, and like just figure it out.

349

:

Like it's crazy to pay for another

two nights of accommodation,

350

:

you know, is this worth it?

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:

And we looked at each other and

we're like, let's just do it.

352

:

She wasn't ready to go home too, because

she was in this beautiful energy of all

353

:

this expansiveness that had happened.

354

:

She's like, I need some more time

to really marinate in this and

355

:

figure out what I wanna do too.

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:

So.

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:

We found another Airbnb and we booked it

and we checked in for another two nights.

358

:

And those two nights were so tough in

terms of not knowing the solid ground

359

:

that I wanted to have underneath me.

360

:

It wasn't that I.

361

:

Couldn't or didn't have solid ground,

but all of a sudden it was like,

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:

what ground do I want underneath me?

363

:

Where do I wanna take this?

364

:

What do I wanna do?

365

:

And so I spent those two days

just really allowing myself to

366

:

feel this, We sat by the water,

367

:

a lot and looked at the ocean and

how beautiful that is, and we went

368

:

on a gondola ride up and down the

mountain to see as far as we could

369

:

see, and we meditated and journaled

and just spent time in this space of

370

:

allowing this emotion to move through.

371

:

And it was the best thing.

372

:

Honestly, because in that space I allowed

myself to really realize, oh my goodness,

373

:

I have gone through my life just shaving

off pieces of me and parts of me that I.

374

:

have enabled me to fit

into spaces and boxes.

375

:

Like I just shaved a little bit off

here and shaved a little bit off

376

:

there to come become a certain kind

of coach or a certain kind of wife, or

377

:

to fit into the suburb that I live in.

378

:

It's like, oh, just

trim this and trim that.

379

:

But that trimming at the time,

I'm gonna reflect back onto it.

380

:

It wasn't forced trimming.

381

:

It was willing trimming.

382

:

Like I had willingly been like,

no, there's the thing I'm gonna do.

383

:

This is what I want.

384

:

I'm just gonna nip and tuck and,

and contort and I, and willingly

385

:

done so to the point where I'd

convinced myself that's what I

386

:

wanted and that was comfortable.

387

:

And all of a sudden I'm in this

place that I'm like, I can't breathe.

388

:

What, where have I shaved

off parts of myself?

389

:

Where have I become so deeply

sad, but optimistically convinced

390

:

that I have a good life.

391

:

And that, that I was doing good

in the world and that I was in

392

:

service and that was enough.

393

:

And like I absolutely love my work in

terms of helping the world and helping

394

:

women, but I had somehow found myself

doing it in a way that was conforming

395

:

and I'd woken up living a life and

a routine in a house in a way that I

396

:

was like, I didn't like any of this.

397

:

I wouldn't say hate.

398

:

I don't hate anything.

399

:

I just am like, it's just not enough.

400

:

It's not enough because it's not aligned.

401

:

And that's where I've realized

that I had confused the

402

:

difference between want and need.

403

:

I'd blurred the lines and I'd made

what I'd need and what I thought

404

:

I needed to be the wants and

to be the things that I chased.

405

:

But what I've realized is that what I

actually need, there's only a few things.

406

:

One is for me and everybody will

be slightly different, but my

407

:

absolute needs are clean food.

408

:

Like I have a lot of sensitivities

just based on my energetics.

409

:

I have a lot of sensitivities around food.

410

:

So I just need clean, healthy food.

411

:

I need clean water.

412

:

I need shelter and warmth.

413

:

'cause I don't, I struggle when

I'm really cold and I have the body

414

:

type that feels the cold bitterly.

415

:

So just shelter and warmth and

sunlight, like food, water,

416

:

shelter, warmth, sunlight.

417

:

You know, in those things

being safe, just finding safety

418

:

and security in those things.

419

:

They are the only things that I need

that I absolutely need, and everything

420

:

else around that is up for grabs, and

it's up for grabs in the way that I

421

:

can define what it is that I want.

422

:

When I think about the things

that light me up, I want to be

423

:

able to see out and see a view.

424

:

If I can't see the sky and I can't

see nature, I feel super enclosed.

425

:

And that's the problem that I'm

having in this beautiful apartment.

426

:

Like the internal furnishings and

fixtures of this apartment is gorgeous.

427

:

You know, it's in a prestigious

building in a well sought

428

:

after quiet upper class area.

429

:

But the outlook isn't fabulous

because we look out onto the complex

430

:

of other apartments, and so there's

this caged kind of feeling that comes

431

:

in, even although there's a marble

benchtop, you know what I mean?

432

:

Like I need to be able to see out

I'm like so at peace when I can

433

:

see, and it was the same when I was

sitting by the sea or on the gondola.

434

:

As long as I can see out and I'm in a

place that is just peaceful, I'm happy.

435

:

So it's like, right.

436

:

That is a want.

437

:

That is an absolute want tin

teetering on the edge of need, but

438

:

it's something that I want that I.

439

:

Want to have in my life.

440

:

I wanna build my life around.

441

:

The other thing is because of my

energetics, my mediumship, my channeling,

442

:

my psychic abilities, one of the things

that I love is having time to just listen,

443

:

to be in the silence, to just have.

444

:

To just have nothing but the nature

sounds around me so that I can

445

:

just hear and listen and channel

and interpret and bring through.

446

:

That gives me such a deep sense of peace.

447

:

So that is another want, that is a

thing that I wanna build my life around.

448

:

And the other thing that brings

me so much joy, is travel.

449

:

it's exploring, it's not knowing.

450

:

And then slowly meandering and uncovering.

451

:

And, financially that often

leads to increased expenditure.

452

:

to be able to do that, there's

part of my mind that always goes,

453

:

ah, I probably should save that.

454

:

You know, I should save that and invest

that in the business, so I should save

455

:

that and, and do this other thing.

456

:

And so a couple of years ago, I did a few

massive trips overseas and they brought

457

:

me so much joy and I didn't realize just

how little value I had placed on that I'd.

458

:

I'd put them in the bucket of the

niceties, a luxury, you know, I

459

:

tried to put my business around.

460

:

I'm just gonna be a digital mo nomad and

run my business everywhere in the world.

461

:

But that didn't necessarily fit at

the time because again, I was copying

462

:

other digital nomads and thought

that that would be the thing to do.

463

:

But this time recently, I really felt

the times that I'm the most happiest

464

:

is when my husband and I are going on

a little trip to explore a new place.

465

:

We'll jump on the train and travel

for hours in a direction to end up

466

:

in a curious little town that we

then explore and have lunch and come

467

:

back, or I'm road tripping, or I am

heading out somewhere to meet someone.

468

:

And I realized that this.

469

:

This feeling of being on the move of being

and heading towards these destinations

470

:

that are beautiful, that are expansive,

that are nature driven, the hiking, the

471

:

walking, camping, all of those things.

472

:

They are things that I want.

473

:

They're not things that I wanna keep in

the luxury or when I have time bucket.

474

:

They're not things that we just do on

the weekend when we're not working.

475

:

They are a lifestyle

choice that I wanna have.

476

:

And so there was another thing

that I'm realizing I'd slice

477

:

that off and categorize that in a

certain way that I couldn't do it.

478

:

But they are things that I

desperately want in my life.

479

:

And so I got home from this event and

had to have a really big conversation

480

:

with my husband to admit that I was

so unhappy that I had sleepwalked

481

:

into a life that I thought I wanted.

482

:

I'd sleep, walked into living in a

certain way that wasn't perhaps me.

483

:

I'd woken up one day and realized

I'd contorted myself so much.

484

:

But it's why things that I try don't work.

485

:

It's why I am always wanting to

leave the apartment, not because the

486

:

apartment's bad or the suburb is bad.

487

:

It's because I'm just, I'm not free.

488

:

I'm not myself.

489

:

And so having that conversation

was obviously difficult because.

490

:

My husband automatically was

worried that it was because of us.

491

:

And of course, he and

I are not the problem.

492

:

He is beautiful and I love him

with all of my heart and my

493

:

soul, and he makes me happy.

494

:

He makes me laugh.

495

:

But the lifestyle that we had chosen

to build for ourselves had lent a

496

:

little bit more based on expectation

and should and a little bit more on his

497

:

sort of lifestyle as well, which he is.

498

:

Loves to be grounded and cozy

and comfortable and stable.

499

:

And I respect that.

500

:

I absolutely respect that.

501

:

But I had kind of just sleepwalk

into making that, or trying to

502

:

make that mine, and it wasn't.

503

:

So we had to have this big conversation

and I shared with him deeply that,

504

:

honey, I am just, I'm not happy.

505

:

I, I don't know what the change is yet,

but I'm gonna have to make a change.

506

:

I'm gonna have to make a

drastic change for me to become.

507

:

This beautiful sense of who it is that I

want to be this real for the very first

508

:

time in my life, this authentic, real,

stripped back version of who I am, and I

509

:

don't know who that is, but I know that,

that I'm not her or I haven't been her,

510

:

and I'm now wanting to become her so

desperately, so intimately, and him being

511

:

such an incredible human, he accepted

it and he's like, whatever you need.

512

:

If you wanna, you know, do

something else, let's do it.

513

:

Like divorce isn't gonna solve

anything for us because our

514

:

marriage isn't the problem.

515

:

But having someone so willing to see

and understand how you're feeling

516

:

is so incredible that I, I remain

grateful for that and for him.

517

:

But it sent me on this trajectory then

for the next week of, well, who am I?

518

:

And some things started to open within

me that are never really opened to

519

:

the depths that they have before

because all of a sudden they have

520

:

space things like writing, like I

am writing on threads and substack.

521

:

Vivaciously, which I've always been

a very good writer in terms of, I've

522

:

held lots of different jobs that

have required writing, and my writing

523

:

has been good, but not like this.

524

:

Not from a deeply channeled open tap way.

525

:

And so I'm realizing, like I said to

him, like writing, like I need to write.

526

:

I need to figure out a way

to just write and express.

527

:

And I don't know what that will lead

to, but I need to open that door.

528

:

And the other one is photography.

529

:

Again, I've never wanted to

really learn and pick up a camera.

530

:

But this need all of a sudden came

through me to be able to start capturing

531

:

what I see and how I feel alongside

my writing in the photographic form.

532

:

And so all of these new channels,

because I allowed myself to go back to

533

:

the liminal space and strip back all of

the, the things that I thought I wanted

534

:

to be like, what is it that I want?

535

:

And then listen and just listen

and allow those little trickles

536

:

to come in and follow them.

537

:

I'm starting to feel like I'm

seeing the version of, of who I

538

:

am that I really want to be, that

is authentic, that is real to me.

539

:

And so I've contacted an amazing

photographer to ask for mentorship.

540

:

I'm looking at changing the way

that I completely live so that I can

541

:

wake up in the morning and have the

sunlight on my skin to be able to

542

:

write and express and be curious and,

543

:

take who I am and what I do on the

road and allow whatever opportunities

544

:

that will bring to come through me.

545

:

I'm opening the doors to that.

546

:

I'm continually exploring with

my husband and with my myself.

547

:

This is what I want and not

being too afraid to say it.

548

:

This is the most significant thing

that I'm discovering through this

549

:

process is that it is scary to

go to your loved ones and say,

550

:

I dunno who I am.

551

:

I'm deeply unhappy.

552

:

Here are some of the things that are

lighting me up and I wanna go and do that.

553

:

is such a big conversation to have.

554

:

It takes a lot of bravery and a

lot of courage, but it was the most

555

:

powerful thing that I could have done.

556

:

And of course, at first he

was like, oh no, are we okay?

557

:

Are we okay?

558

:

And I'm like, this is not about us.

559

:

You and I are solid.

560

:

And I'm like, if you wanna come,

come, but this is what I need to do.

561

:

I can't stay here.

562

:

I can't keep slicing off parts

of myself to fit into this

563

:

life because I'm just so sad.

564

:

I need to do this for me, but I'm

not trying to burn everything to

565

:

the ground and if, if a life on the

road is not for you, that's okay.

566

:

You can stay and we'll

figure it out no matter what.

567

:

We'll figure it out because whatever is

meant to be will be having those kinds

568

:

of conversations are so difficult and in

the past I would've agonized over that.

569

:

The what ifs, how will he feel?

570

:

What will he say, what will others say?

571

:

Whereas now with this beautiful frequency

of bravery, of courage, all of the healing

572

:

and all the work that I've done having

those conversations they're just what is.

573

:

And I'm not saying I wasn't scared.

574

:

I'm not saying that there

weren't moments where I was like,

575

:

uhoh, what's gonna happen here?

576

:

But there was so much frequency

behind me that I was matched to

577

:

that allowed me to just say, and

of course I broke down in tears.

578

:

There were tears and things.

579

:

But there is just this beautiful

opportunity now to really start to uncover

580

:

and step into and figure out along the

way and adjust, where my income comes

581

:

from and, and where I am and who I'm

with because it is so important to me to

582

:

really uncover who it is that I wanna be.

583

:

And what if I really, truly am

a bold, brave woman project.

584

:

I need to be true to

being a bold, brave woman.

585

:

And so if there is anything in your

life that you are realizing that you've

586

:

sleepwalked into or you have confused

want and need or isn't fitting, just

587

:

spend some time really feeling into that.

588

:

Where have I confused want and need?

589

:

Where does my soul wanna take me?

590

:

And what brave conversations am I willing

to start having so that I can even

591

:

just start the process of excavation?

592

:

Because that's where it all began

to me going to this event, having

593

:

all of these questions directed

inward, and then starting to uncover

594

:

it and being ready to answer them.

595

:

This is gonna be an unfolding

journey, like I am right at the

596

:

beginning now of starting to unpack

and really figure out what this is

597

:

gonna look like in the next chapters.

598

:

I'm gonna be sharing it as I go so that

we can explore and uncover and experience

599

:

this together because in this world, I

truly believe that there are times that

600

:

are beautiful and powerfully spent in solo

moments of excavation, of questioning, of

601

:

wondering, but also incredible moments of

sharing and community and collaboration.

602

:

So, at any time you wanna reach

out or connect or share your own

603

:

experiences, please feel free to do so.

604

:

I'm gonna be thinking and deeply

pondering over the next week.

605

:

I'll be back with more episodes on

updates of this, but also other little

606

:

thoughts and things that pop in along

the way, and I cannot wait to see what

607

:

unfolds for both of us, for all of us.

608

:

For everyone who's here on this planet

with us on this journey because we are

609

:

all bold, brave women, and I cannot wait

to see what we create on the other side.

610

:

Have a beautiful day, and

I'll speak to you soon.

611

:

Andrea Matthies: Thank you so much

for tuning into today's episode.

612

:

If you wanna check out all of the

behind the scenes content for this

613

:

podcast, make sure you subscribe to my

Substack channel, the Becoming Archive.

614

:

You will also be able to find me on

Threads and Instagram at andi.matthies.

615

:

Make sure you're connected and

stay up to date with what's coming.

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About the Podcast

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House of Andrea

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About your host

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Andrea Lee Matthies

Andrea Lee Matthies is an artist, photographer, and clairvoyant medium who creates portals for people to see and experience themselves more fully. Through her work, she blends creativity with clairvoyant insight, offering a unique perspective on what it means to thrive as a soul having a human experience.

As host of House of Andrea, Andrea brings together soulful conversations, channelling and subtle activations that invite listeners to awaken their intuition, dissolve self-imposed boundaries and step into the full spectrum of who they are.

Her approach is contemporary, vibrant, and deeply human - honouring both the beauty of the physical world and the unseen wisdom of spirit. Andrea’s mission is to help others feel seen, inspired and activated, so they can embody their own brilliance and frequency in everyday life.