3. The Moment I Realised I Was Living a Life That Wasn’t Mine

Andrea Matthies: 00:00:00

I'm Andrea Lee Matthies, writer, photographer,

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and Clairvoyant Medium, and this

is the Bold, Brave Woman Project.

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This podcast is a living, breathing,

unfolding of what it really

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means to step into our becoming.

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Born from the ashes of a failed YouTube

channel, this weekly podcast brings you

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real unfiltered moments of failure, of

bravery, and of deep intuitive knowing.

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so that you too can step into who you are

becoming with even more trust and bravery.

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Let's dive in.

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Andi M: Hello and welcome to

the Bold, brave Woman Project.

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I've been thinking a lot lately about

this project and about what it really

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means to be a bold, brave woman I think

what's been really interesting is I've

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always had certain definitions of bold

and brave and what it means to be a

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woman, particularly in today's society.

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But lately I've been trying to

really dig into that and think,

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yes, but what does that mean for me?

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What does that mean

for me and for my life?

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And if I am to go on this journey of

making myself the bold, brave woman,

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the woman in the project, the woman who

wants to dream and dare and do things,

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what is it that I need to change?

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Like what does that actually

tangibly and realistically look like?

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And it sent me on a bit of a rabbit

hole, and that's why I wanna share

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this episode with you right at the top

of the podcast because I've actually

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landed in some places that I didn't

expect and have been battling a few

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things lately that I've really had to

dig into and around to work out what it

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is that I really want for myself, what,

what it is that I want for my life.

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Do I wanna continue down the pathway of

the things that I've been doing and the

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way that I've been living my life and the

way I've been managing my relationships,

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and I'm not sure that it is.

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And whilst.

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Placing these kinds of questions

can be daunting, can be scary,

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can be anxiety provoking.

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There's also this moment of, of

expansiveness, of expression, of really

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excavating what is real and what is

true and not fact, because I know

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there's a big difference between true.

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In fact, particularly when it comes to

being a human and living in a nuanced

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society with everything that is around

us in terms of our material lives,

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but also our energetic lives as well.

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But who is it that I really wanna be?

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Now, up until this point, like I've

been reflecting a lot on my life.

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I have had such a.

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Meander type life.

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especially when it came to my

career, and, and I've defined myself

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by who am I as by what I'm doing.

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What I'm doing in terms of my

career, in terms of my hobbies and

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activities, my day-to-day routines,

I've allowed the doing and the action

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and the titles to really define

who I am, and this has worked well

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and quote unquote, successfully.

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Find both financially and from a

relationship perspective for a long time,

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and so I haven't really needed to question

it, but just with all of this energy

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that's moving through me at the moment,

I'm in this place where I, I actually

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wanna lift up the lid and the curtain and

dust these places and spaces off and look

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at them with a perspective of questioning.

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A, how did I get here?

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And B, is this really what I

want to continue to move forward?

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And it's been both a delightful and

expansive period, but also one of quiet.

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Dark, um, and heaviness.

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Not so much darkness, but heaviness

and sadness and contraction of

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questioning and realization that perhaps

I've landed myself in a space and a

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lifestyle that isn't one that really

aligns with my, my heart in terms

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of who I am now and where I'm going.

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I look back over my life and none

of the decisions have been wrong.

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This isn't about.

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Reflecting and having regret and wanting

to have made different decisions.

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There's a huge amount of grace and

gratitude that I do feel when I look

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back across my life because all of

the hardships, all the difficulties,

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all of the decisions that were

made that perhaps led me down

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paths that were less anticipated,

still got me to be where I am now.

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Even with some of the contraction

and things that I am working through,

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but it's such a beautiful place to be

with all of this depth of experience

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and wealth of knowledge that comes

from having lived through a lot of

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those experiences and having to ask

a lot of those questions based on

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the things that I have either done or

seen or witnessed or had done to me.

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You know, there's, there's a

wealth of questions that now exist

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for me to be able to ask that.

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If I hadn't have had those moments and

those experiences, I wouldn't even be

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aware that there were different questions

to ask or different ways to see or look.

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And it also helps me relate to the world

and relate to people in a deeper level.

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And so there's this huge sense of

gratitude that I do carry with me

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every day, but also this need now to.

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Really just sit and look at it all

and ask, well, who do I wanna be?

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Not just who I am, because of

course that is always evolving.

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And of course the decisions and actions

and things that I've done that have

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led to this point shape who I am.

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But who do I want to be?

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And one of the things that I've been

thinking about recently and has come

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through really clear for me is this

difference between want and need.

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And I think I, for a long

time, I've confused the two.

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I've lived in this place

of, well, I need everything.

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Or like I want everything.

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'cause I need it.

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You know?

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I have had a career.

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And the different episodes will touch

on different facets of this, but I've

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had a career where I've done lots

of different things from creative

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to engineering and technical to

marketing to strategic back into, um.

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Nursing fields and healing fields

and service fields right across,

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again, to creative and strategic.

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And I have just gone through

these different cycles and

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different periods where I've had

different focuses in my life.

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And along the way I have picked

up certain lifestyle traits.

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Like I wanna live in a really

good suburb and I wanna have

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a certain, um, type of living.

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Sort of environment in terms of

like really modern and clean and

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you know, you walk in and it's like

marble and it feels really lovely.

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Like I'm not talking lavish, but I'm

just talking that simplistic, modern.

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Yet I've made it when I walk in the

door and look around at this, the

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fixtures and the fittings and the

furnishings, like somehow in my life I've

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attributed success to things like that.

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And you know, when a certain.

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Um, relationships.

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You know, I want deep caring relationships

with my friend and my family and

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my husband and I have a beautiful

relationship with my husband, but I also

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wanna make sure I am seen to be social

and have certain friendship groups

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and feel fulfilled on those levels.

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And.

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I wanna do certain hobbies.

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There's been lots of things that I

just, along the way of moving in and

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out of these different careers and these

different experiences and decisions I've

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made, that I've picked up all of these.

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Well, I need these things 'cause otherwise

I'm unhappy and I've built a life around

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these decisions and around these wants.

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But what is really interesting is of late.

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I've gotten everything that I really

quote unquote wanted the definition

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that I thought was going to make me

happy in terms of the house, in the nice

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suburb or the, the apartment rather.

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In the nice suburb with the

beautiful fixtures and fittings and

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furniture, you know, the perfect

marriage with an amazing man.

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So I can say, oh, you know, this

is my husband and I'm married.

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And you know, the title

that goes with that.

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I've got the coaching business, which

is, you know, one of those titles

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that a lot of people seek around.

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Oh, you're a, you know,

a coach or a mentor.

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You run your own business,

you're an entrepreneur.

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You know, there's a certain level,

even though it's hard work, prestige

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and reputation that goes with that.

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I work for myself.

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I, I make my own hours.

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I call in my own clients, you know,

there's a lot of power and like

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I said, reputation or energetic

status that comes along with that.

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So I kind of, all these things that I'd

been dreaming of and working towards.

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I woke up recently and

I'm like, oh my goodness.

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Like I, I followed that path

and I have those things.

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Why is it then that there's

still a part of me that.

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It doesn't wanna be here, that doesn't

want to be in this apartment, that

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doesn't want to necessarily show up on

Instagram and do all the things that

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we need to do for our coaching business

and serve the clients in the way that

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we've set the framework up to, to do.

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Um, you know, the way that my husband

and I have set up our lifestyle and

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our hobbies and our routines and habits

and how we have dinner and all of the

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things like, why am I all of a sudden.

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Having chased and built and wanted,

all of these things, why am I so

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sad and empty and unfulfilled?

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And I'm not saying that nothing

in my life makes me happy.

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You know, my husband and I recently

moved into this new beautiful

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apartment and in our old apartment I

was dreaming of this new apartment.

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And we've moved and we've

been here for four months now.

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This last couple of weeks, I would

say the last two or three weeks

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I've been waking up and I'm like.

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Why is this not enough?

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Like, why is the thing that I

thought was gonna bring me joy?

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Not, you know, did I make a wrong choice?

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Should we have stayed in the other place?

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Like, you know, you start to question

all of our decisions and doubt

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ourselves, but I realized at some point

I had followed a path that I had set

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for myself based on what I thought

that I needed and that I wanted.

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And I've woken up with the universe

and all the effort that I've put in

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that I, that I have the thing that

I've wanted, and all of a sudden I'm

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like, oh, maybe that's not what I

wanted because I was sleepwalking on

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autopilot into a life that I thought

I needed, or I thought that I wanted.

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And this all catalyzed because

recently I went to an event, um,

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there was an event by a mentor and

a coach that I love here in my area

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of Melbourne, and she was hosting an

event that was a collaboration event.

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It was an event that brought

powerful women together into a

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space to meet, network, collaborate.

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Learn more about collaboration, get

into the energy and the energetics of

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what that is and how that works so that

powerhouse women could come together

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and build incredible things together.

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Because as a solo entrepreneur, we don't

necessarily always wanna work solo.

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Sometimes if we find our right person.

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We wanna create and build

magical things together.

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And I'd kind of gotten to a point in my

coaching business where I was like, I

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think collaboration is the next level.

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That is the next level of success and

door opening and opportunity that I need.

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And so when this event.

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First popped up, I was

like, right, I'm there.

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Bought my ticket.

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And my mom's also in this beautiful space

as well, so she, I, I mentioned it to

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her and she's like, yes, I wanna go too.

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It's gonna be amazing.

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so we booked accommodation, we'd

organized all of our things.

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We were gonna go away for a couple of

days and go to this event and brainstorm.

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It was gonna be magical.

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And so I, for a month, I was

like, oh, this event, this

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event's gonna be my next level.

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This event's gonna have

the answers that I seek.

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And so I had so much anticipation

on this event, unlocking the next

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level, both within me and for me

in terms of collaboration and.

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It got down there, we checked into our

little Airbnb, which was beautiful,

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like, you know, modern and all of the

aesthetic things that, you know, makes

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you feel, particularly when you're

entrepreneur, that you've made it.

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This is amazing.

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and the next morning we get up and we

get ready and, you know, quite excited.

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We head off to this event.

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The event itself was at a winery.

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So again, it was at the

beautiful, um, location.

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There was, it was beautiful reception upon

arrival, and we settle into this space and

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then the event starts, and the women who

were leading it were very high energy and,

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and beautiful, high intentional women.

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But what I realized, the longer that

I sat and watched this event and

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watched these women in this space.

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It's hard to describe, but there was a

part of me that kind of got further and

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further and further away as if I was

like watching it, um, from a bird's eye

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view perspective and had nothing but this

feeling of, oh my goodness, I thought that

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I was one of these women and that these

are the kinds of events and spaces and

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women that I wanted to be in host, um,

you know, lead support, the whole thing.

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I thought that this was the world that

I, not desperately, but this is the

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world that I was elevating my coaching.

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Two, because my coaching has been very

deep and very intimate, one-on-one, and I

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thought, no, I'm gonna go big with events

and stage and all of this kind of stuff.

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And I was watching this group and

the women around me and just felt.

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Like an outof body experience, and I

know this was my higher self starting to

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show to me and to crack open and release

all of this armor, this shielding,

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this structure of who I had become.

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All of a sudden, my higher self and

myself and my inner knowing started

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to release all of that outside.

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It was like a crust that I'd been wearing,

whatever was going on in this moment and.

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Being divinely supported.

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All of this stuff just melted.

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It just cracked and melted away, and

all of a sudden I was sitting there and

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I was like, I don't want any of this.

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This is not who I am.

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This is not the world that I wanna be.

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I don't.

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Wanna lead these kinds of rooms.

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like I had been following a path of

entrepreneurship, of marketing, of

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branding, of becoming, of contorting,

to be a coach that I thought was the

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best version of me that I should be, and

I'd found myself in this room, which I

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had, you know, been so excited to get

into and to pay for only to realize.

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I don't want any of this.

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This is not for me, and this is absolutely

no comment on these incredible, powerful

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women that we're reading are leading this

workshop, and this is no comment on the

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women in the space because I could see

them in their full, beautiful selves.

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but I realized all of a sudden

that I'd been trying to emulate

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and become a version of that,

which for them is a beautiful fit.

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But for me, I was like, oh my

God, what have I been doing?

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This is nuts.

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This is not the life that I wanna have.

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This is like I'm somehow

sleep walked my way.

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Into wanting this or

thinking that I need this.

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And this is, comes back to this

confusion around want or need.

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Like I didn't want it and I also

realizing I didn't need it and I'd

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entangled both of the two things.

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But what happened was I, it was

like a four hour event and by

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the time the event ended, I.

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There, there's something that sometimes

happens when we have this cracking

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open that we start to, to make sense

of it, we start to turn to either

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blame or justify or explain it.

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And the only thing I could

turn to was turn it inward,

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like, what's wrong with me?

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Like, why am I not enjoying this?

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Why am I starting to feel like

there's something wrong with me?

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There's something broken.

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Why is this not the answer that I've

been seeking when all indications

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on paper or logic or the, the way

that I've lived my life until this

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point, you know, why is it not?

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The solution, like why is

it not working and fitting?

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And I had these questions

swirling around and like, is

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there something wrong with me?

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Like I am.

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I.

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Broken.

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Am I stuck in scarcity?

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you know, all of these questions,

pointing it inward as if there was

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something drastically wrong with me,

and that they were right, and that This

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world of entrepreneurship was right and

correct and gospel written in stone, and

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there was something broken within me.

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And so we left the event and

got back to the accommodation,

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and I felt like an empty shell.

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I walked into the accommodation and the

tears started, the heaviness, started

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the questioning, that feeling of like, I

thought I'd built this incredible solid

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basis and all of a sudden it was like

that had just smashed into a million

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pieces and I was just falling and floating

and not knowing where the solid ground

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was anymore because this thing that I

thought was real and that I'd wanted and

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that was going to carry me to my next

level of my life and a deeper connection

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with myself had just been shattered.

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All of a sudden I was seeing

everything and feeling everything,

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and I just sunk into this really,

it wasn't a darkness, but it was a

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despair of, if not this, then what?

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You know, I've always been.

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I guess this is part of

societal conditioning, that my

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logical mind is the safest bet.

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Like if my logical mind can figure it

out and I can see it, then I can plan it.

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Then I can be sure that it's

gonna happen and I'm safe.

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And so with this space, with being in

this, all of a sudden this liminal voids

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space of, well, if not that, then what?

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My mind was absolutely reeling, and

this is the thing, um, I do know

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: 00:20:12

quite a lot about human design and

particularly about my own human design.

298

: 00:20:16

I'm a six two

299

: 00:20:17

I have pretty much everything

in my centers undefined and open

300

: 00:20:22

except for my spleen and my sacral.

301

: 00:20:25

And so the only two things that I know

for sure to rely on is my connection

302

: 00:20:31

to my intuition and to source and my

deep knowing, my body's ability to

303

: 00:20:36

know what is right or what is wrong.

304

: 00:20:39

I have an open hit.

305

: 00:20:40

I have an open, um, top of mind.

306

: 00:20:43

I have all of my other centers.

307

: 00:20:46

Open.

308

: 00:20:46

So that means that I can feel, see,

sense, no take in map, match all of

309

: 00:20:52

the other energies that are around me.

310

: 00:20:55

But in terms of who I am

now and where I'm going.

311

: 00:20:58

that is the job of my

sacral and my spleen.

312

: 00:21:01

But because I have operated and been

conditioned to for such a long time

313

: 00:21:05

to be academic, to be logical, to

be sure by plans and stats, and feel

314

: 00:21:11

safe by making decisions in that way.

315

: 00:21:15

This smashing of this grounded platform

that I had been working on building and

316

: 00:21:23

increasing and heightening with that

gone, everything just felt like it was

317

: 00:21:29

reeling, like, if not this, then what.

318

: 00:21:33

And so I just ended up into this place of,

I can only really describe it as despair.

319

: 00:21:40

This despair of sadness of not this

then what, if not this, then who am I?

320

: 00:21:47

And and we were due to check out

the next morning after this event.

321

: 00:21:50

My mom and I spent the rest

of that day just kind of like

322

: 00:21:53

feeling through all of the stuff.

323

: 00:21:56

I don't know whether to burn everything

to the ground, whether to start pivoting,

324

: 00:22:02

to, to do something different, like

everything just became liminal and

325

: 00:22:08

vast and unsure, but at the same time.

326

: 00:22:12

At the same time, even though there

was so much despair and so much

327

: 00:22:15

questioning there, there was also

this feeling of yes, blank slate.

328

: 00:22:20

My logical mind was finding it.

329

: 00:22:21

' cause it was like, if I have a blank

slate, what do I write on the sleep?

330

: 00:22:25

Like, tell me what to write on the slate.

331

: 00:22:26

I need to know, I need to be

able to write something or draw

332

: 00:22:29

something or, or, or just know.

333

: 00:22:32

And so I had to really work

with that and be like, no,

334

: 00:22:34

blank slate means opportunity.

335

: 00:22:37

It means possibility.

336

: 00:22:38

It means discovery.

337

: 00:22:40

Not only of what this is, but who I am.

338

: 00:22:44

The life that I truly wanna lead.

339

: 00:22:46

And we were meant to check outta the

accommodation the next morning, but I was

340

: 00:22:50

in such a space of sadness and questioning

that I said to my mom, like, I can't go

341

: 00:22:57

back to my home right now because I just,

I don't know where I am and who I am.

342

: 00:23:04

And so we quickly got on as women too.

343

: 00:23:08

We got onto Airbnb and

we found another place.

344

: 00:23:10

'cause the place that we just

checked out of wasn't available.

345

: 00:23:13

I would've just gone back

there, but that's okay.

346

: 00:23:15

We found another Airbnb and I just looked

at my mom, I'm like, is this crazy?

347

: 00:23:19

Like should I just.

348

: 00:23:20

Just suck it up and go back home

and, and like just figure it out.

349

: 00:23:24

Like it's crazy to pay for another

two nights of accommodation,

350

: 00:23:27

you know, is this worth it?

351

: 00:23:29

And we looked at each other and

we're like, let's just do it.

352

: 00:23:32

She wasn't ready to go home too, because

she was in this beautiful energy of all

353

: 00:23:35

this expansiveness that had happened.

354

: 00:23:36

She's like, I need some more time

to really marinate in this and

355

: 00:23:40

figure out what I wanna do too.

356

: 00:23:42

So.

357

: 00:23:43

We found another Airbnb and we booked it

and we checked in for another two nights.

358

: 00:23:47

And those two nights were so tough in

terms of not knowing the solid ground

359

: 00:23:54

that I wanted to have underneath me.

360

: 00:23:56

It wasn't that I.

361

: 00:23:58

Couldn't or didn't have solid ground,

but all of a sudden it was like,

362

: 00:24:02

what ground do I want underneath me?

363

: 00:24:06

Where do I wanna take this?

364

: 00:24:08

What do I wanna do?

365

: 00:24:10

And so I spent those two days

just really allowing myself to

366

: 00:24:14

feel this, We sat by the water,

367

: 00:24:17

a lot and looked at the ocean and

how beautiful that is, and we went

368

: 00:24:24

on a gondola ride up and down the

mountain to see as far as we could

369

: 00:24:28

see, and we meditated and journaled

and just spent time in this space of

370

: 00:24:37

allowing this emotion to move through.

371

: 00:24:39

And it was the best thing.

372

: 00:24:41

Honestly, because in that space I allowed

myself to really realize, oh my goodness,

373

: 00:24:47

I have gone through my life just shaving

off pieces of me and parts of me that I.

374

: 00:24:57

have enabled me to fit

into spaces and boxes.

375

: 00:25:00

Like I just shaved a little bit off

here and shaved a little bit off

376

: 00:25:03

there to come become a certain kind

of coach or a certain kind of wife, or

377

: 00:25:07

to fit into the suburb that I live in.

378

: 00:25:10

It's like, oh, just

trim this and trim that.

379

: 00:25:12

But that trimming at the time,

I'm gonna reflect back onto it.

380

: 00:25:15

It wasn't forced trimming.

381

: 00:25:17

It was willing trimming.

382

: 00:25:18

Like I had willingly been like,

no, there's the thing I'm gonna do.

383

: 00:25:21

This is what I want.

384

: 00:25:22

I'm just gonna nip and tuck and,

and contort and I, and willingly

385

: 00:25:26

done so to the point where I'd

convinced myself that's what I

386

: 00:25:29

wanted and that was comfortable.

387

: 00:25:31

And all of a sudden I'm in this

place that I'm like, I can't breathe.

388

: 00:25:36

What, where have I shaved

off parts of myself?

389

: 00:25:39

Where have I become so deeply

sad, but optimistically convinced

390

: 00:25:46

that I have a good life.

391

: 00:25:47

And that, that I was doing good

in the world and that I was in

392

: 00:25:50

service and that was enough.

393

: 00:25:52

And like I absolutely love my work in

terms of helping the world and helping

394

: 00:25:57

women, but I had somehow found myself

doing it in a way that was conforming

395

: 00:26:03

and I'd woken up living a life and

a routine in a house in a way that I

396

: 00:26:10

was like, I didn't like any of this.

397

: 00:26:12

I wouldn't say hate.

398

: 00:26:13

I don't hate anything.

399

: 00:26:15

I just am like, it's just not enough.

400

: 00:26:18

It's not enough because it's not aligned.

401

: 00:26:21

And that's where I've realized

that I had confused the

402

: 00:26:25

difference between want and need.

403

: 00:26:28

I'd blurred the lines and I'd made

what I'd need and what I thought

404

: 00:26:31

I needed to be the wants and

to be the things that I chased.

405

: 00:26:36

But what I've realized is that what I

actually need, there's only a few things.

406

: 00:26:42

One is for me and everybody will

be slightly different, but my

407

: 00:26:45

absolute needs are clean food.

408

: 00:26:49

Like I have a lot of sensitivities

just based on my energetics.

409

: 00:26:53

I have a lot of sensitivities around food.

410

: 00:26:54

So I just need clean, healthy food.

411

: 00:26:57

I need clean water.

412

: 00:26:59

I need shelter and warmth.

413

: 00:27:02

'cause I don't, I struggle when

I'm really cold and I have the body

414

: 00:27:05

type that feels the cold bitterly.

415

: 00:27:08

So just shelter and warmth and

sunlight, like food, water,

416

: 00:27:15

shelter, warmth, sunlight.

417

: 00:27:17

You know, in those things

being safe, just finding safety

418

: 00:27:22

and security in those things.

419

: 00:27:23

They are the only things that I need

that I absolutely need, and everything

420

: 00:27:29

else around that is up for grabs, and

it's up for grabs in the way that I

421

: 00:27:34

can define what it is that I want.

422

: 00:27:38

When I think about the things

that light me up, I want to be

423

: 00:27:41

able to see out and see a view.

424

: 00:27:43

If I can't see the sky and I can't

see nature, I feel super enclosed.

425

: 00:27:48

And that's the problem that I'm

having in this beautiful apartment.

426

: 00:27:51

Like the internal furnishings and

fixtures of this apartment is gorgeous.

427

: 00:27:55

You know, it's in a prestigious

building in a well sought

428

: 00:27:59

after quiet upper class area.

429

: 00:28:02

But the outlook isn't fabulous

because we look out onto the complex

430

: 00:28:07

of other apartments, and so there's

this caged kind of feeling that comes

431

: 00:28:11

in, even although there's a marble

benchtop, you know what I mean?

432

: 00:28:14

Like I need to be able to see out

I'm like so at peace when I can

433

: 00:28:19

see, and it was the same when I was

sitting by the sea or on the gondola.

434

: 00:28:23

As long as I can see out and I'm in a

place that is just peaceful, I'm happy.

435

: 00:28:30

So it's like, right.

436

: 00:28:30

That is a want.

437

: 00:28:32

That is an absolute want tin

teetering on the edge of need, but

438

: 00:28:37

it's something that I want that I.

439

: 00:28:40

Want to have in my life.

440

: 00:28:41

I wanna build my life around.

441

: 00:28:43

The other thing is because of my

energetics, my mediumship, my channeling,

442

: 00:28:51

my psychic abilities, one of the things

that I love is having time to just listen,

443

: 00:29:00

to be in the silence, to just have.

444

: 00:29:03

To just have nothing but the nature

sounds around me so that I can

445

: 00:29:07

just hear and listen and channel

and interpret and bring through.

446

: 00:29:13

That gives me such a deep sense of peace.

447

: 00:29:15

So that is another want, that is a

thing that I wanna build my life around.

448

: 00:29:21

And the other thing that brings

me so much joy, is travel.

449

: 00:29:25

it's exploring, it's not knowing.

450

: 00:29:29

And then slowly meandering and uncovering.

451

: 00:29:32

And, financially that often

leads to increased expenditure.

452

: 00:29:38

to be able to do that, there's

part of my mind that always goes,

453

: 00:29:41

ah, I probably should save that.

454

: 00:29:43

You know, I should save that and invest

that in the business, so I should save

455

: 00:29:46

that and, and do this other thing.

456

: 00:29:48

And so a couple of years ago, I did a few

massive trips overseas and they brought

457

: 00:29:54

me so much joy and I didn't realize just

how little value I had placed on that I'd.

458

: 00:30:01

I'd put them in the bucket of the

niceties, a luxury, you know, I

459

: 00:30:07

tried to put my business around.

460

: 00:30:09

I'm just gonna be a digital mo nomad and

run my business everywhere in the world.

461

: 00:30:13

But that didn't necessarily fit at

the time because again, I was copying

462

: 00:30:20

other digital nomads and thought

that that would be the thing to do.

463

: 00:30:24

But this time recently, I really felt

the times that I'm the most happiest

464

: 00:30:28

is when my husband and I are going on

a little trip to explore a new place.

465

: 00:30:33

We'll jump on the train and travel

for hours in a direction to end up

466

: 00:30:37

in a curious little town that we

then explore and have lunch and come

467

: 00:30:41

back, or I'm road tripping, or I am

heading out somewhere to meet someone.

468

: 00:30:47

And I realized that this.

469

: 00:30:50

This feeling of being on the move of being

and heading towards these destinations

470

: 00:30:57

that are beautiful, that are expansive,

that are nature driven, the hiking, the

471

: 00:31:04

walking, camping, all of those things.

472

: 00:31:06

They are things that I want.

473

: 00:31:09

They're not things that I wanna keep in

the luxury or when I have time bucket.

474

: 00:31:15

They're not things that we just do on

the weekend when we're not working.

475

: 00:31:20

They are a lifestyle

choice that I wanna have.

476

: 00:31:24

And so there was another thing

that I'm realizing I'd slice

477

: 00:31:29

that off and categorize that in a

certain way that I couldn't do it.

478

: 00:31:34

But they are things that I

desperately want in my life.

479

: 00:31:38

And so I got home from this event and

had to have a really big conversation

480

: 00:31:46

with my husband to admit that I was

so unhappy that I had sleepwalked

481

: 00:31:55

into a life that I thought I wanted.

482

: 00:31:58

I'd sleep, walked into living in a

certain way that wasn't perhaps me.

483

: 00:32:03

I'd woken up one day and realized

I'd contorted myself so much.

484

: 00:32:07

But it's why things that I try don't work.

485

: 00:32:11

It's why I am always wanting to

leave the apartment, not because the

486

: 00:32:15

apartment's bad or the suburb is bad.

487

: 00:32:18

It's because I'm just, I'm not free.

488

: 00:32:20

I'm not myself.

489

: 00:32:22

And so having that conversation

was obviously difficult because.

490

: 00:32:27

My husband automatically was

worried that it was because of us.

491

: 00:32:31

And of course, he and

I are not the problem.

492

: 00:32:34

He is beautiful and I love him

with all of my heart and my

493

: 00:32:38

soul, and he makes me happy.

494

: 00:32:39

He makes me laugh.

495

: 00:32:40

But the lifestyle that we had chosen

to build for ourselves had lent a

496

: 00:32:45

little bit more based on expectation

and should and a little bit more on his

497

: 00:32:51

sort of lifestyle as well, which he is.

498

: 00:32:53

Loves to be grounded and cozy

and comfortable and stable.

499

: 00:32:57

And I respect that.

500

: 00:32:59

I absolutely respect that.

501

: 00:33:00

But I had kind of just sleepwalk

into making that, or trying to

502

: 00:33:05

make that mine, and it wasn't.

503

: 00:33:07

So we had to have this big conversation

and I shared with him deeply that,

504

: 00:33:11

honey, I am just, I'm not happy.

505

: 00:33:13

I, I don't know what the change is yet,

but I'm gonna have to make a change.

506

: 00:33:19

I'm gonna have to make a

drastic change for me to become.

507

: 00:33:23

This beautiful sense of who it is that I

want to be this real for the very first

508

: 00:33:30

time in my life, this authentic, real,

stripped back version of who I am, and I

509

: 00:33:34

don't know who that is, but I know that,

that I'm not her or I haven't been her,

510

: 00:33:39

and I'm now wanting to become her so

desperately, so intimately, and him being

511

: 00:33:45

such an incredible human, he accepted

it and he's like, whatever you need.

512

: 00:33:49

If you wanna, you know, do

something else, let's do it.

513

: 00:33:52

Like divorce isn't gonna solve

anything for us because our

514

: 00:33:55

marriage isn't the problem.

515

: 00:33:56

But having someone so willing to see

and understand how you're feeling

516

: 00:34:03

is so incredible that I, I remain

grateful for that and for him.

517

: 00:34:09

But it sent me on this trajectory then

for the next week of, well, who am I?

518

: 00:34:14

And some things started to open within

me that are never really opened to

519

: 00:34:19

the depths that they have before

because all of a sudden they have

520

: 00:34:21

space things like writing, like I

am writing on threads and substack.

521

: 00:34:29

Vivaciously, which I've always been

a very good writer in terms of, I've

522

: 00:34:34

held lots of different jobs that

have required writing, and my writing

523

: 00:34:38

has been good, but not like this.

524

: 00:34:40

Not from a deeply channeled open tap way.

525

: 00:34:47

And so I'm realizing, like I said to

him, like writing, like I need to write.

526

: 00:34:52

I need to figure out a way

to just write and express.

527

: 00:34:54

And I don't know what that will lead

to, but I need to open that door.

528

: 00:34:58

And the other one is photography.

529

: 00:35:00

Again, I've never wanted to

really learn and pick up a camera.

530

: 00:35:05

But this need all of a sudden came

through me to be able to start capturing

531

: 00:35:12

what I see and how I feel alongside

my writing in the photographic form.

532

: 00:35:17

And so all of these new channels,

because I allowed myself to go back to

533

: 00:35:21

the liminal space and strip back all of

the, the things that I thought I wanted

534

: 00:35:27

to be like, what is it that I want?

535

: 00:35:28

And then listen and just listen

and allow those little trickles

536

: 00:35:32

to come in and follow them.

537

: 00:35:34

I'm starting to feel like I'm

seeing the version of, of who I

538

: 00:35:39

am that I really want to be, that

is authentic, that is real to me.

539

: 00:35:44

And so I've contacted an amazing

photographer to ask for mentorship.

540

: 00:35:50

I'm looking at changing the way

that I completely live so that I can

541

: 00:35:55

wake up in the morning and have the

sunlight on my skin to be able to

542

: 00:35:59

write and express and be curious and,

543

: 00:36:02

take who I am and what I do on the

road and allow whatever opportunities

544

: 00:36:06

that will bring to come through me.

545

: 00:36:09

I'm opening the doors to that.

546

: 00:36:10

I'm continually exploring with

my husband and with my myself.

547

: 00:36:16

This is what I want and not

being too afraid to say it.

548

: 00:36:20

This is the most significant thing

that I'm discovering through this

549

: 00:36:23

process is that it is scary to

go to your loved ones and say,

550

: 00:36:29

I dunno who I am.

551

: 00:36:30

I'm deeply unhappy.

552

: 00:36:31

Here are some of the things that are

lighting me up and I wanna go and do that.

553

: 00:36:35

is such a big conversation to have.

554

: 00:36:39

It takes a lot of bravery and a

lot of courage, but it was the most

555

: 00:36:42

powerful thing that I could have done.

556

: 00:36:44

And of course, at first he

was like, oh no, are we okay?

557

: 00:36:47

Are we okay?

558

: 00:36:48

And I'm like, this is not about us.

559

: 00:36:49

You and I are solid.

560

: 00:36:50

And I'm like, if you wanna come,

come, but this is what I need to do.

561

: 00:36:54

I can't stay here.

562

: 00:36:55

I can't keep slicing off parts

of myself to fit into this

563

: 00:37:00

life because I'm just so sad.

564

: 00:37:04

I need to do this for me, but I'm

not trying to burn everything to

565

: 00:37:08

the ground and if, if a life on the

road is not for you, that's okay.

566

: 00:37:11

You can stay and we'll

figure it out no matter what.

567

: 00:37:14

We'll figure it out because whatever is

meant to be will be having those kinds

568

: 00:37:18

of conversations are so difficult and in

the past I would've agonized over that.

569

: 00:37:24

The what ifs, how will he feel?

570

: 00:37:26

What will he say, what will others say?

571

: 00:37:28

Whereas now with this beautiful frequency

of bravery, of courage, all of the healing

572

: 00:37:34

and all the work that I've done having

those conversations they're just what is.

573

: 00:37:40

And I'm not saying I wasn't scared.

574

: 00:37:42

I'm not saying that there

weren't moments where I was like,

575

: 00:37:45

uhoh, what's gonna happen here?

576

: 00:37:46

But there was so much frequency

behind me that I was matched to

577

: 00:37:51

that allowed me to just say, and

of course I broke down in tears.

578

: 00:37:55

There were tears and things.

579

: 00:37:57

But there is just this beautiful

opportunity now to really start to uncover

580

: 00:38:02

and step into and figure out along the

way and adjust, where my income comes

581

: 00:38:08

from and, and where I am and who I'm

with because it is so important to me to

582

: 00:38:15

really uncover who it is that I wanna be.

583

: 00:38:19

And what if I really, truly am

a bold, brave woman project.

584

: 00:38:24

I need to be true to

being a bold, brave woman.

585

: 00:38:29

And so if there is anything in your

life that you are realizing that you've

586

: 00:38:35

sleepwalked into or you have confused

want and need or isn't fitting, just

587

: 00:38:41

spend some time really feeling into that.

588

: 00:38:45

Where have I confused want and need?

589

: 00:38:47

Where does my soul wanna take me?

590

: 00:38:49

And what brave conversations am I willing

to start having so that I can even

591

: 00:38:55

just start the process of excavation?

592

: 00:38:58

Because that's where it all began

to me going to this event, having

593

: 00:39:02

all of these questions directed

inward, and then starting to uncover

594

: 00:39:05

it and being ready to answer them.

595

: 00:39:10

This is gonna be an unfolding

journey, like I am right at the

596

: 00:39:13

beginning now of starting to unpack

and really figure out what this is

597

: 00:39:18

gonna look like in the next chapters.

598

: 00:39:21

I'm gonna be sharing it as I go so that

we can explore and uncover and experience

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: 00:39:27

this together because in this world, I

truly believe that there are times that

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: 00:39:34

are beautiful and powerfully spent in solo

moments of excavation, of questioning, of

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: 00:39:42

wondering, but also incredible moments of

sharing and community and collaboration.

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: 00:39:48

So, at any time you wanna reach

out or connect or share your own

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: 00:39:52

experiences, please feel free to do so.

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: 00:39:55

I'm gonna be thinking and deeply

pondering over the next week.

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: 00:40:00

I'll be back with more episodes on

updates of this, but also other little

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: 00:40:04

thoughts and things that pop in along

the way, and I cannot wait to see what

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: 00:40:09

unfolds for both of us, for all of us.

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: 00:40:12

For everyone who's here on this planet

with us on this journey because we are

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: 00:40:17

all bold, brave women, and I cannot wait

to see what we create on the other side.

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: 00:40:24

Have a beautiful day, and

I'll speak to you soon.

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: 00:40:27

Andrea Matthies: Thank you so much

for tuning into today's episode.

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: 00:40:31

If you wanna check out all of the

behind the scenes content for this

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: 00:40:34

podcast, make sure you subscribe to my

Substack channel, the Becoming Archive.

614

: 00:40:39

You will also be able to find me on

Threads and Instagram at andi.matthies.

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: 00:40:44

Make sure you're connected and

stay up to date with what's coming.